1. Among those taking part in Friday’s Opening Ceremony is Labour veteran John Prescott. Dressed in a specially-designed wipe-clean tracksuit, the former Deputy Prime Minister will be making his third attempt on the World Pie-Eating record.
‘I’ve always liked me pies,’ said Lord Prescott last night. ‘And I’m going for gold by downing 17 lard pies in under 30 seconds.
‘To get my appetite going, I’ve vowed not to eat a single thing for at least 20 minutes before it starts. Well, perhaps more like ten minutes or maybe eight, if I’m really peckish. OK, call that five minutes, just to be sure.’
Lord Prescott added that he was ‘very proud to be part of the degeneration of East London’.
2. Designed to offer a portrait of Britain, the Opening Ceremony will also feature a cameo of Village Britain, complete with village pond, village pub, village green, village baker and village idiot.
The latter role will be taken by G4S chief executive Nick Buckles, who will sit in the village stocks singing a power ballad, No Excuses, specially composed for the occasion by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber, while being pelted with rotten tomatoes.
3. Contrary to the claims of cynics, large parts of London will remain open to the general public throughout the Olympic games.
These include a 50-yard stretch on Coldharbour Lane in South London, a roundabout in Muswell Hill and a children’s playground in East Croydon.
The remaining areas will be accessible only to accredited officials, senior members of the Royal Family and top funny-man David Walliams.
The Olympic lane for the exclusive use of Olympic official vehicles (and David Walliams) on the M4 motorway into London4. There are still tickets available for quite a few of the aquatic events. These include Men’s Doggy Paddle, Women’s Freestyle Splashing, Mixed Bellyflop and Men’s 100 metres Breaststroke With Waterwings.
Widely considered one of the less exciting events, Men’s Floating has unexpectedly sold out. Starting on Saturday, it is expected to last until around noon next Friday. In a last-minute ruling, competitors will now be permitted to bring along books, magazines and iPads.
More... I'm working class, claims IOC chief Jacques Rogge (just don't mention the 5* hotel, chauffeur-driven car and five police outriders) The staggering 12,000 calorie diet of Michael Phelps: U.S. swimmer guzzles three fried egg sandwiches, choc chip pancakes, five egg omelette , French toast and grits – just for BREAKFAST Is this THE tackiest way to support Team GB? Full Union flag suit on sale for just £59.99
5. McDonald’s, Coca-Cola and Cadbury are among the sponsors of the London Olympics. As part of their official sponsorship contract, competitors will be subject to random blood tests before and after each event to ascertain they have consumed at least 2lb of the sponsors’ products, in any combination, within the previous 48 hours.
In the longer events — Mountain Biking, Marathon, Women’s 5,000 metres — McDonald’s will be permitted to set up special fast-service supply booths beside the track, so that competitors will be able to maintain their intake in line with sponsors’ demands.
Sweet deal: Have athletes consumed enough chocolate?6. There are 30 venues up and down the country, stretching from Weymouth to Glasgow. The smallest of these is probably the Broom Cupboard in Uttoxeter, home of the Women’s Freestyle Text-Messaging Finals.
7. For the first time this year, Slow Bicycling has become an official Olympic sport. Competitors must keep going forward, but as slowly as possible and without falling off. The Men’s 5,000 metre race starts next Wednesday and is expected to finish early next year.
8. The only person ever to have won both an Olympic gold medal and an Academy Award in the same year is Dame Margaret Rutherford, who was awarded an Oscar for her appearance as Miss Marple in Murder, Most Foul in 1964 and in the same year won gold in the Women’s Hopping event at the Tokyo Olympics. ‘I’ve always been a decent hopper,’ she said afterwards. ‘I find it helps to wear a hat, a warm overcoat and sensible shoes.’
Model Olympian: Women's Skinny-Dipping is lead by Katie Price9. The event to sell out most quickly at this year’s London’s Olympics was Women’s Skinny-Dipping.
Sponsors Channel 5 reacted furiously to suggestions that spectators were just going along in the hope of seeing young women in the nude.
‘Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all highly-trained and dedicated athletes,’ fumed team leader Katie Price.
10. The most eagerly anticipated event in the Olympics calendar is undoubtedly the Closing Ceremony on Sunday, August 12, when a pageant involving thousands of diehard cynics will take place in the Olympic Stadium.
‘Pouring cold water on major prestige events is what we British do best,’ says triple gold medallist killjoy Craig Grump. ‘The rest of the world will always be able to win in running, skipping and jumping, but when it comes to armchair sneering there’s absolutely no one who can beat us.’
