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Liz Jones says the latest trends make you look like a giant toffee - or a hippo with wrinkles...

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Why do designers send such ridiculous trends down the catwalk?

It is one thing to spy Natalia Vodianova in a completely sheer skirt, subtly revealing her perfect bottom, quite another to pluck up the courage to wear it ourselves — running for the bus in a high wind.

Or how about Stella McCartney’s outsize tuxedo and sheer orange sweatshirt? Or Burberry’s metallic trench that makes its owner resemble a sweet wrapper? Do you really want to look like a giant toffee?

But the dangerous thing about fashion is this: we see the new trend so many times, on so many beautiful young women in the pages of Vogue, or on the red carpet, and we are brainwashed. 

Bad trends: Liz Jones says the latest trends make you look like a giant toffee - or a hippo with wrinkles...

Two years ago, I vowed never again to wear print trousers but, lo and behold, two weeks ago I bought an entirely print trouser suit from new brand & Other Stories. Only when I went out to dinner in it the other night did I long to be back in my habitual black trouser suit, which I can wear again and again without having to suffer my fellow diners laughing at me.

The trends here are all widely available on the High Street this summer, but I warn you to handle with care. Yes, by all means purchase a neon green lace pencil skirt from Next, but tone it down; don’t wear the style head to toe. 

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And if you really want to see how quickly these looks will become tired by the autumn, do as I did last week and wander around a branch of Joseph.

The prints and the metallics and the orange in the window might grasp your attention, but place these items next to a beautifully cut little black dress, or an immaculate cream tuxedo suit — both of which scream quiet confidence and sex appeal — and you will place that sticky-outy print brocade back on the rail, knowing it will make you resemble a lampshade.

CLASHING PRINTS

for how much longer will this trend assault our eyes? I was first forced to wear it for a feature two years ago, to a reception at No. 10: a crazy floral blouse and pyjama trousers that made me look ready for bed.

But again, designers have sent splashy prints down the catwalk. You can even buy a floral biker jacket by Henry Holland for £1,000 this summer. Is nothing sacred? These pyjama bottoms by Zara flatten the buttocks, while a drawstring waist should be worn only by fat Americans.

Clashing prints: Top, £39.99, trousers, £35.99, nude slingbacks, £39.99, all Zara

Nasty neons: Dress, £190, Karen Millen Bag, £19.99, Zara Courts, £125, Karen Millen

Nasty Neon

‘Yellow is spring’s most joyful but  difficult colour,’ trumpets this month’s Vogue. It urges we wear it if we have red hair, or black skin; if you don’t have either of these colourings, then do not wear it next to your face, as you will look jaundiced. There’s a lot of neon around, seen on the catwalk at Dior and Victoria Beckham, who did tops and jackets in orange. It’s a great change from black, but can be too ‘look at me’, while acid yellow will make you resemble a man who digs roads, or a policeman, or a lolly. This  yellow dress made me feel too conspicuous. I’d wear neon only as a splash of colour: in a bag or nail polish. 

60S SYNTHETICS

Do you know why the High Street recycles Sixties year in, year out? Because it’s cheap to reproduce: no seams or darts, no tailoring. Just nasty, synthetic fabrics in garish prints. I cannot underestimate how much I hate this dress. They’ve even labelled it Mad Men, as if women are not intelligent enough to shop by body type etc, but must purchase according to TV programmes. The look — not the super mini Sixties we think of from that era — is very unforgiving.

60s synthetics: Dress, £75, Banana Republic Shoes, £99, Boden

Big mistake: Dress, £269, Fenwick Sandals, £29.99, H&M Necklace, £16.50, Topshop

BIG MISTAKE

The consensus among women is that if they wear something a little too big, it will make them look slimmer. The reverse is true. Only if you are very thin and tall can you carry it off. I felt like a post-box in my red dress. The look is meant to be geometric and pared down, but I wanted to cinch this monstrosity with a belt to avoid looking pregnant. I tried on Stella McCartney’s enormous cream tuxedo jacket last week, and felt like Jim Carrey in The Mask.

TACKY SHINE

I like a touch of shine: a silver thread in a tweed coat, or a sheen to a cream jacket. My dream purchase this summer is Dries van Noten’s tartan skirt with silver apron (£500). A touch of metallic can look great on older women, as it gives light to the skin. But head-to-toe metallic is not a good idea: I would wear this skirt with a tight, white shirt. Better to stick to silver shoes this summer, not the whole kaboodle. 

Tacky shine: Skirt, £149, M&S Top, £130, Harvey Nichols Shoes, £39.99, Zara

Sheer shame: Navy maxi, £14.99, H&M, Top, £29.99, Zara Shoes, £235, Lucy Choi

SHEER SHAME

In theory, I love sheer.  It can be subtle, used for décolletage in black, as seen at Victoria Beckham. But designers have taken it too far. Who wants to wear a sheer biker jacket, as seen by Wanda Nylon at Browns (£490)? Or sheer trousers?We’ll all be adding petticoats and vests, to preserve our modesty. I do like this sheer maxi with built-in mini skirt, but still feel a little exposed. I’d wear it only on holiday, with flip-flops and  a bikini.

FUSSY RUFFLES

Last year, we had the peplum, which made any woman with hips and a bottom feel too wide to get through a doorway. Now we have ruffles. Dries van Noten sent out an entire opera jacket made of grey silk ruffles (£640), which makes the wearer resemble a hippo with wrinkles.

Cadaverous young movie stars look good in this trend, but in this dress I felt too  fussy. I wanted to snip off the excessive detailing with a pair of scissors.

Fussy ruffles: Silver dress, £120, Debenhams Gold shoes, £49.99, Zara

Denim disaster: Hat, £12.99, and top, £3.99, H&M Shoes, £39.99, Zara

DENIM DISASTER

Says Vogue of this trend, ‘With the right wash...and a slimmer leg, dungarees are perfect for denim devotees.’

These people have lost their minds. I wore denim dungarees in the Seventies and still have flashbacks to when the straps dangled in the Portaloo at the Isle of Wight Festival.

This look can be worn only by leggy teens. Do not wear to work; people will think you are a builder. They flatten the bust and bum, and shorten the leg. What’s to like?









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