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Liz Jones: In which we have a virtual row

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I love it when I have a virtual argument. It’s like that moment when I discovered a year’s worth of emails from my ex-husband to the dreaded Daphne: that took up two entire columns! I received this text:‘Just seen the picture in the Mail, and I’m not happy.’

Um. I wonder which one he means? Me as the Queen? Me in socks and flat shoes? Me in wild, clashing print? Me as the Duchess of Cambridge? Me learning to bake a roulade with Mary Berry? Me crouching naked behind topiary? Me having colonic irrigation?

‘You’re not happy? Sorry, I didn’t know it was also my job to send you into paroxysms of joy. Which photo? I have 2m Google entries, so I don’t have time to pinpoint.’

You can tell I was in a bad mood. This is why Amanda Harlech doesn’t have a boyfriend, given she would always be sent texts along the line of, ‘Isn’t your boss’s ponytail a bit creepy? And is the Chanel show over as I’m hungry, and have you hidden my Next pants?’

‘It was the one showing you are wearing your wedding ring and your engagement ring when you are no longer married. It’s disrespectful, and brings bad karma.’

Oh, for God’s sake. Does he have nothing better to do? Why not tune a couple of guitars? Has he, too, been doing yoga? I don’t think I could stand it if he has.

He seems to want power over me: who I talk to, what I do and wear

‘It’s not an engagement ring. As my husband pointed out when he bought it before he went “travelling”, it is a “friendship” ring. And I bought the wedding ring with my own hard-earned money. It’s the only proper jewellery I have, given I lost the diamond studs he also gave me, but you wouldn’t have been able to object to them as they weren’t the original, which were too small. I upgraded them.’

‘Well, just put them in a box. It’s like that photo you have on your desk in the “cupboard”. Signing the register. Having his image and his things around means you can’t move on.’

I do hate a snooper. ‘Well, FYI, I still have a black Prada T-shirt I bought him. I’d have kept the nut leather Burberry blazer I bought him, too, if only he hadn’t shoved it in a rucksack and creased it. You’ve got photos of your children all over the shop!’

‘Children are different.’

‘OK, moneybags. As soon as you give me a replacement ring, I will consider removing the other ones.’

That last bit was about as forward as I have ever been in my life. Bear in mind I have never flirted, cold-called a man, initiated sex or suggested we meet up and go for dinner.

‘I thought we were meeting in Paris during the shows? I’ve booked a room.’I’d forgotten about that. Oh God! More knee waxing and roots retouching. I’m still in a quandary over what to do about this man, given he seems to want power over me: who I talk to and what I do and the things I wear. But I’m succumbing, slowly. I went to a book launch the other night, and bumped into a woman, not a friend but an acquaintance, who used to, briefly, go out with him.

There I was, thinking I was the bee’s knees, and to be honest she was badly dressed, wearing a sort of carpet, hasn’t aged well, and was completely boring. Why did I waste 30 years pining for him when he was going out with the likes of this lot? Anyway, I was thinking all this horrid stuff when she said, ‘Hi Lizzie. How is XXXX? It really is different for him this time, you know. When he talks about you his eyes light up.’

Anyway, we stopped arguing via text for a bit, and, remembering what this woman had said, I decided to see what she was up to on Twitter. Maybe I’d suggest we meet for a drink, so I can pump her for more details. I found her account, and there, near the top, was the following: ‘Am so in love with London! Went to Locanda Locatelli with xxx, XXXX, and XXXXX. The linguine with squid is amazing!’

Second in the list of names was my boyfriend. I started to sweat, then I checked the date. He is in London now, today, and he hasn’t even bothered to tell me!

  More... Liz Jones: In which I’m not nice to be with Liz Jones: In which someone threatens to out us Liz Jones: In which I face a lonely birthday

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