Dear Zelda: Our agony aunt on pets as surrogate children, mummy's boys and when to risk a friendship for romance

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Her pets have become surrogate children

My son’s wife has two parrots, which she obviously sees as an alternative to children.

Her daughter from her first marriage has just gone to university.

They have a tiny cottage and the living room now has two large bird cages, a variety of rope ladders and a ‘maternity cage’ for the anticipated offspring.

When my son and his wife return home from work the parrots fly free. They drink tea from her mug, feed from her mouth and eat food that she puts on her head while they have supper. Our son does all the cooking and she just sits there petting the parrots.

I think he is embarrassed by the disgusting state of their home, which is why he is reluctant for us to go round. I was so happy when he married the girl of his dreams.

I know I shouldn’t interfere, but I think my son is aware of how I feel. Is there anything I can do?

Perhaps your son didn’t want children or they were too old when they met and his wife hasn’t come to terms with this. Now with her daughter at university these birds have become substitute children.

You could talk to your son very gently about your concerns. Stress that you don’t want to interfere but just want to help.

Tell him how much you like your daughter-in-law and say that you are concerned about her as the parrots seem to be taking over her life.

She could be depressed or finding it hard that her daughter has now left home. A combination of antidepressants and joint counselling could help, so suggest that he tries to get her to see her GP and he goes with her.

My partner is a mummy’s boy

In the past six months my partner of three years has taken his mother out more than me.

They go to shows and concerts and always have a meal out, but I am never invited.

Her husband doesn’t go either. Alarm bells rang when he said his priority was his mother, even over his children.

So where do I come in the scheme of things? My 12-year-old son lives with us and his children come to us every weekend, which means we don’t have any quality time together.

It seems as though you have acquired a mummy’s boy and things need to change before you commit to the future.

Of course it’s important that he loves and cares for his mother, but you and his children should be his priority.

Explain how excluded you feel and suggest some changes. At weekends you could do fun things with your son and his children and include his mother – they are, after all, her grandchildren.

She could babysit sometimes at weekends so you and your partner could go out.

He should also invite you when they go to a show. If she objects he needs to be firm and say he wants you to come.

If the situation continues, listen to those warning voices.

Shall i risk our friendship?

On my way home from a night out with friends a guy friend asked to kiss me.

I declined because he was drunk and we are just good friends. In the morning he couldn’t remember what happened, so I filled him in and he apologised.

Since then I have been fantasising about him but I am not sure if it’s because I don’t get much male attention. I am 20.

We are close friends and I don’t want to jeopardise this.

Try to decide if you like him in a romantic way. Have you ever felt that these feelings may be returned or that he fancies you? Is he flirty, tactile and affectionate?

If so, you could go back to that conversation about the kiss and tell him that the reason you said no was because he was drunk and you thought he didn’t mean it.

That would give him the opportunity to say that, drunk or sober, he would like to kiss you.

But if he already has a girlfriend or he talks to you about other girls, he probably sees you as a friend. If so, then it’s better to say nothing and look elsewhere for a boyfriend.

  Relationship Clinic: Don’t let family breakdown affect the grandchildren

Pop star Adele today

When Adele had her baby last October, her father, plumber Mark Evans, was one of the last to know. Adele apparently wants nothing to do with her father and he has not seen his first grandson.

Sadly this situation is reflected in the many letters and emails I receive from desperate grandparents who have also been barred from seeing their grandchildren.

This is frequently because of a breakdown in family relationships or an acrimonious divorce. Sometimes, couples are so angry with each other that one or both of them stop their ex-partner’s parents from seeing their grandchildren.

Adele’s father left when she was three and there followed a battle with alcoholism.

He kept in touch with Adele, who was brought up by her mother, and she spent holidays with her adored paternal grandparents.

Adele’s relationship with her father was ruptured in 2011 when he gave an interview about her problems finding a boyfriend, which he said could be the result of his failings as a dad.

The breach of privacy infuriated Adele and she told a magazine he had ‘blown any chance of a reconciliation’.

Adele, 24, is now settled with Simon Konecki, 38, the father of her child.

Recently Adele’s father went public again, and said: ‘I have left messages, I have sent birthday and Christmas cards but it’s like I’m dead to her. I just want my daughter back and I want to be a proper granddad.’

It is difficult to repair a fractured relationship but it’s important that the excluded grandparent finds out where their child feels they have gone wrong and avoid attributing blame.

And parents should put the needs of their children first, as they could miss out on a precious relationship with their grandparents.           

Contact Zelda

If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.uk

Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally