BEL MOONEY: I'm furious at my boyfriend for having his ex to stay in his flat
I remember meeting this woman (much older than him) more than a year ago on another visit, when l was recovering from major surgery. This time, after thinking, l told him that l don’t think it right for her to stay in his flat. He told me he’d sort it out. He was driving me to work the following day when l asked if he’d rearranged things. He said he couldn’t reach her. I asked if they’d had an affair. He said — yes, ten to 15 years ago, but were just friends now. I was very angry. Why would you even consider an ex staying in your studio? Yes, one of them would be sleeping on his comfortable sofa, but l still didn’t think it was right for him to do that to me. He said he’d sort it. A few days later he said that since he’d already agreed he found it difficult to tell her not to come. He knew I was very angry and, a day or two later, he ended our relationship. This hit me really hard. l know he loves me, as he overlooked my illness and was there for me. After our break up, he called me one day to say he was coming to pick me up for work. He told me he was struggling to cope at work, so we decided to try again. He said we should take things slowly, and he’d make sure the woman’s visit to his flat would be her last. Since then he has never kissed me, but visits every single day. He’ll touch my thigh when we’re sitting down and hold my hand when we go for walk. I wrote him a letter some time ago thanking him for all his help and he said l’ve also been a great help and support to him. When I met his family, he introduced me as his ‘neighbour’. I’m confused, because l don’t know if we are just friends or in a relationship and want to ask where we stand, but l am not sure how to go about it. I’d be glad of advice.MARY BEL MOONEY A love relationship which began unexpectedly with a kind, shy neighbour, who knew you at your most vulnerable and showed consistently that he is a good man . . .
Yes, I can imagine why this felt promising. It’s easy to see why it hit you hard when he said it was over. But I want you to understand the very good reasons for that decision — and why he is behaving as he is.
If you fail to see what went wrong, you will have no chance of getting this relationship back on the track you want it to follow. Let’s isolate two telling phrases in your letter: ‘I was very angry’ and ‘I didn’t think it was right for him to do that to me.’
What form did your anger take? Did you say nasty things about the older woman, I wonder? Twice you showed him your jealous rage — and all because you felt you had the right to dictate his visitors and his behaviour. After such a short time too.
You say you didn’t think it ‘right’ for the woman friend to stay with him — even though she has done so before and this newer invitation predated your getting together as a couple. Nor was it ‘right for him to do that to me.’
Do what? Have a friend to stay? Imagine how he felt when you said that — casting aspersions on his morality. Isn’t that what ‘right’ means in this context?
You have been very ill at a relatively young age and it must have been difficult to cope with that reality, as well as the day-to-day business of living and working. It wouldn’t be surprising if you’ve suffered from low self-esteem as you have tried hard to cope.
Your kind neighbour must have seemed like the proverbial knight in shining armour, as he did so much for you. But wait! That gave you no ownership.
Instead of being mature and civilised, you threw your toys out of the pram like a needy child, and I do not think you had the ‘right’ to do that.
So all you can do now is be patient. He described you as his ‘neighbour’ when he might have said ‘friend’, but what you want him to say is ‘girlfriend’.
I quite understand that, but you need to realize what a shock you gave him with your ill-tempered jealousy. It made him jump back.
Noticing that nowhere do you tell me you love this man, I sincerely hope you’re right and that he does love you. But honesty compels me to point out that his kindness in the past might have been just that, not love.
It’s time for you to demonstrate to him your respect and love. In which case, don’t turn him into a carer, don’t become his jailor, and don’t make it all about you.
*******************************************************************************Should I drop everything to care for Dad?
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Back to Mail Online home Back to the page you came from var GOOG_FIXURL_LANG = 'en_GB'; var GOOG_FIXURL_SITE = 'http://www.dailymail.co.uk/'; Other things to try:function ss(form) {var q = window.encodeURIComponent(form["q"].value);clkb("wss", q);var url = "http://www.google.com/search?q=site:www.dailymail.co.uk ";url = url + q;window.location = url;return false;} Search www.dailymail.co.uk:function clk(el,ct,cd) {if(document.images) {(new Image()).src="http://linkhelp.clients.google.com/tbproxy/lh/url?sa=T" +"&q="+"www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2294239/BEL-MOONEY-Im-furious-boyfriend-having-ex-stay-flat.html?" +"&usg=" + "AFQjCNHsyGbC9t6xlcIDT2JdoQmHlxWPug" +"&ct=" + ct +"&cd=" + cd +"&fp=12367705590188731132" +"&ei=qRGwUc7mDcegkgXf8YHYCQ" +"&url="+escape(el.href)+"&hl=en" +"&sourceid=wm" +"&error=http404" +"&pref=SUQ9ZjM4YzFiZjYyMmI1ZGZhNzpVPTZmYTNmNWQ5YjQxNTNiOTk6RkY9MDpMRD1lbjpUTT0xMzY5MDgxMzM3OkxNPTEzNjk5NzUxODk6R009MTpTPUR5VUpKY043endaYjRwOTU" +"&cr=ZZ" +"&d=" + (new Date()).getTime() +"&xi=";}return true;}function rwrd(el, lnk){el.href= lnk;el.onmousedown="";return true;}function rwctrd(el,ct,cd,lnk){clk(el, ct, cd);rwrd(el, lnk);}function clkb(ct,sq) {if(document.images) {(new Image()).src="http://linkhelp.clients.google.com/tbproxy/lh/url?sa=T" +"&q="+"www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2294239/BEL-MOONEY-Im-furious-boyfriend-having-ex-stay-flat.html?" +"&usg=" + "AFQjCNHsyGbC9t6xlcIDT2JdoQmHlxWPug" +"&ct=" + ct +"&cd=0&sq=" + sq +"&fp=12367705590188731132" +"&ei=qRGwUc7mDcegkgXf8YHYCQ" +"&hl=en" +"&sourceid=wm" +"&error=http404" +"&pref=SUQ9ZjM4YzFiZjYyMmI1ZGZhNzpVPTZmYTNmNWQ5YjQxNTNiOTk6RkY9MDpMRD1lbjpUTT0xMzY5MDgxMzM3OkxNPTEzNjk5NzUxODk6R009MTpTPUR5VUpKY043endaYjRwOTU" +"&cr=ZZ" +"&d=" + (new Date()).getTime() +"&xi=";}} Dear BelI’m British, living in America for the last seven years. Now I’m contemplating returning home as I feel it would be right to spend some time with my Dad while I still can.He’s in his 80s and alone. My beautiful son (15) is now living with his father in Texas and well taken care of.So should it come to it (which I feel it will) I can leave with a clear conscience. It will be another huge blow (had plenty of those in the last several years), but the two of us will always be close and I love him more than life itself.My problem is that my brother lives a hundred miles away from my Dad, but has severed all ties with both of us, with no explanation. Dad and I have tried many times to contact him, with no response. We were once close but he ignores my emails and doesn’t return Dad’s calls or texts. This has been going on for more than a year and he didn’t even bother to contact Dad last Christmas. In spite of being quite a resourceful chap and relatively happy (in spite of missing my Mum every day), Dad feels terribly hurt by his son’s behaviour. It wouldn’t be so bad if my brother had told us outright that he wanted nothing more to do with us. At least we could try and deal with that. But to be brutally dismissed in this way is just appalling.Dad and I have talked at length as to what we could have done to deserve such treatment. It’s not doing his health any good and I worry for him.What’s the best course of action? Should we just be accepting and respectful of my brother’s wishes — even though he’s been cruel in his treatment of Dad? After trying to no avail for so long, what option do we have? AILSAFamily problems such as this are the most painful. Yet there has to be a reason for somebody’s behaviour to change. You say you used to be close to your brother, but fail to mention what his relationship with your parents was like.
Was he closer to your mother and found her death impossible to bear? Did he blame your father for some reason? Did the bereavement trigger some painful childhood memory which has made him turn his back? It is a huge thing to ignore your widowed father at Christmas, not sending even a card. You and your father have talked endlessly about this, but is there anything he is not saying to you?
I’m sure you can see why I ask such questions. But even if the root of the issue is not within the family itself, your brother may be suffering from a mental illness of which you know nothing.
Or something could have happened in his personal life which has made him vulnerable and/or ashamed. You yourself know the blows that can be dealt by fate. Although it would be easiest to agree that you have been ignored and can therefore do no more, I would like you to keep the door open.
Try forgetting emails and write him a proper, long letter (so much better, to hold in the hand) saying how concerned you are about his welfare. It shouldn’t be reproachful, but anxious and loving. You could begin with a wonderful memory: something you did when you were close, an anecdote to make him smile. Tell him you’ll never forget those good times, and say how great it would be to find out what’s been happening to him.
And finally... Speak up to protect childrenTROUBLED? WRITE TO BELBel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.
Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.
A pseudonym will be used if you wish.
Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
A recent article I wrote on the horrific effects of online pornography (Mail, March 1) attracted a large response.
It was prompted by the horrifying case involving a 14-year-old girl who was beaten, brutalised and raped after being tied to a chair by two boys, aged 14 and 15.
The older boy admitted he was re-enacting scenes he’d witnessed in violent online pornography — viewing hours of such material each day for months leading up to the attack.
The victim’s distraught father demanded MPs implement controls. He said: ‘Kids can get it on their mobile phones easily. Any porn is inappropriate at that age. But it’s the extreme violent nature that is worrying.’
Many readers agreed. One wrote: ‘I am a senior teacher responsible for the pastoral care of girls . . . fully aware of the ease with which pornography is accessed by pupils with smartphones. My colleagues and I have noticed the creeping in of a “porn culture” in the way girls in particular are behaving.
‘For example, we have had to tell girls aged 13 that pubic hair is normal, and they should not need to remove it; the girls have told us the boys like it if they remove it and it is almost expected of them in some cases.
‘This is the tip of the iceberg. We continue to be extremely worried about the ease with which girls send photos of themselves in various states of undress, thinking that this is a normal part of a relationship with boys who expect to receive such photos.’
So it goes on. I’m aware that the desire to ‘do’ something is overwhelming and many readers seemed to hope I’d be leading some sort of campaign. But we already are!
So I suggest you write to Claire Perry MP and to your own MP saying you support the aims of the Daily Mail’s Block Online Porn campaign.
There are campaigning groups (mediawatch.org and object.org.uk) which need support, so join and give them the means to continue. Support the NSPCC, too. Let your voice be heard.
