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BEL MOONEY: I'm in love for the first time but not with my husband...

/li> DEAR BELA while ago, my husband David had an affair. I asked him to leave and he duly went to his parents.

We were apart for about nine months, then he convinced me our marriage was worth another go. I didn’t want our children to be part of a fractured family. 

Now a few years have passed, the initial hurt has disappeared and I’ve had a hard look at our relationship. We are very different people and I don’t think I’ve ever been very happy.

'When I pull away from the affair it will hurt very much - and I will never open myself up to that again. It is the price I will have to pay'

I became close to a work colleague, Ben, whom I’ve known for several years. I’ve always liked him — and when someone you like shows you a lot of positive attention, it can be very difficult to resist.

An affair ensued and has continued over two years. We are both in relationships.

Affairs shouldn’t happen, but no two affairs are the same. There are individuals who wilfully cheat — but sometimes it can be love, and love chooses you. If your relationship is not right, it’s hard to resist.

This is my first and my last affair. For the first time in my life, in my 40s, I am truly in love. I was part of a generation which married because that’s what you do.

But my happiness should not be at the cost of my family’s — and too many people would be hurt if I left my husband.

When I pull away from the affair it will hurt very much — and I will never open myself up to that again. It is the price I will have to pay.

Why am I sending this? You have recently had letters from readers who have had affairs and your words were punitive and implied that those who have affairs are selfish.

But I think some of us deserve forgiveness.

Ironically, understanding how emotions can take over has helped me to forgive my husband’s infidelity and see how easily we can err.

I know what it is like to be cheated on, and to fall under the wheels of temptation and be the person cheating. I would have liked to have met Ben when I was single.

We are both finding it hard to break away — but we will have to.

We are not necessarily wicked individuals when we fall in love. If I could press a button, I would redirect my feelings to my husband David. 

I would value your views on this very emotive subject.SAMANTHA

Since I began writing an advice column in 2005, the problem of marital infidelity has cropped up again and again, just as it has appeared as a subject in literature since ancient times. 

It so happens that, since January, I have tackled the subject only three times on this page, and in only two of those replies was I in any way ‘punitive’.

In one, I counselled the wounded, hurt and wronged wife to continue with the marriage, because I truly felt she didn’t want to end it — even though her husband had had a string of affairs.

    More from Bel Mooney...   BEL MOONEY: Even when I beg, my husband refuses to have sex with me 01/06/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I let my drunken, vicious ex-lover be a father to our baby? 24/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I boycott my mother's wedding to this ghastly gold-digger? 17/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Can I cure loneliness by selling up to be near my new love? 11/05/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm crying out for love but can't escape this black hole of despair 03/05/13   BEL MOONEY: We haven't had sex for 19 years but I can't escape my cheating husband... 26/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I've nursed my husband through cancer but now I want to leave 19/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I feel guilty my son is in nursery all week so I can work 05/04/13   VIEW FULL ARCHIVE  

(By the way, I heard from her later, and she was pleased with my advice, and they were going to give it a try).

The other two were examples of appalling behaviour — and we all know a lot of that goes on. So yes, I was pretty tough.

All of which is to say that I entirely agree with you that all affairs are different, and that some people certainly deserve forgiveness, and that’s why I never write about the subject according to any simplistic moral code.

After all, I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt — and don’t think it wise to chuck stones about when you know what glass houses look like.

You aren’t asking for advice, just for my ‘views’. But I think you’re also asking for my sympathy as you face ending your love affair for the sake of your children.

Believe me, you have it. You are right to say that sometimes people just can’t help slipping into a relationship — especially if their spouse hurt them very much and then somebody who is attractive and loving pays them attention.

It’s all very well for the rest of us to say: ‘You should be strong-willed.’ But I know it isn’t that easy.

And the truth is (as I’ve written over the years) there are times when a marriage has run its course and — once the agony of breaking up has passed — both spouses can find themselves liberated into new lives.

Yes, even the one who was left.

Anger and pain are inevitable and understandable. But if the welfare of the children is placed centre stage — and if the separating couple go to mediation and behave in as careful and civilised a way as humanly possible — the end of a marriage is not necessarily bad.

Nevertheless, I’m not going to suggest you seize this chance of love and change your mind about breaking off with Ben. I might have 40 years ago, but not now. 

My instinct says you’re right in the implied decision to focus on your marriage and I truly hope you can rekindle your relationship with your husband.

It’s clear that, through the sweetly painful experience of loving Ben, you have grown hugely as a human being — and that goes to show that love can spread good karma, even in the most unexpected ways.

So who knows? Your noble (or should that read ‘sadly pragmatic’) decision to sacrifice some sexual passion for the sake of maternal love might lead to an unexpected outcome.

You may find (especially if you talk it through with David and perhaps agree to go to Relate) that gradually you remember what it was you liked about him in the first place.

You may recognise some of those qualities in the children you made together, and decide to discover one another again. To take care of each other.

It can happen. And I hope it does for you.

  My self-pitying sister is so infuriating

DEAR BEL

I’m concerned about my sister  who is a few years older than me and in her early 60s.

Her husband died more than 20 years ago. Her eldest son is married with two children and lives in the North; she sees him several times a year (though they’re not close) and she loves her grandchildren.

She has a younger son, who is in a relationship and lives nearby.

She sees him a couple of times a week. But she’s a very unhappy lady.

My sister had a relationship with a man at work two years after her husband died. But after eight years he left her when they were about to move in together. He had a work transfer and went to live with another woman.

She took Prozac for years but seemed more stable five years ago and came off it.

'My sister often stays at Christmas, Easter and other times. I phone regularly and try to be sympathetic but sometimes feel exasperated with her for wallowing in self-pity'. Posed by models

But she’s always been an emotional, glass-half-empty sort of person. Due to retire soon, she gets depressed mainly about her health.

She’s overweight, very bitter about her life and finds fault with people.

My husband and I are busy with our small business and live a few hours’ drive away.

She often stays at Christmas, Easter and other times.

I phone regularly and try to be sympathetic but sometimes feel exasperated with her for wallowing in self-pity.

She has some interests and friends, but she does try their patience — appearing very jealous of anything they do.

She can be charming and interesting when she wants, but quickly loses interest if discussions lead on to subjects she’s not interested in.

I don’t know whether to keep being sympathetic (and praising her for supporting herself financially) or be tougher.WENDY

This problem has arisen on the page before and will again. At its core is the issue of how far we can continue to sympathise with people who seem unwilling to do anything to help themselves.

This can end old friendships and severely test ties of blood.

Your sister has endured two great losses, which must have knocked her for six.

Her husband died when her sons were young men; then, when she was brave enough to settle into a new relationship, she was let down most cruelly after eight years.

She must have reeled from this second loss, especially (as your longer letter explains) as she was on the point of selling her house. She was then on the anti-depressant Prozac for five years — and who knows what the long-term effects might be? 

From where I’m standing, this poor lady has no reason to think that any divine hand will splash a healing elixir to fill her glass and assuage her thirst.

I assume you’d have told me if she ever had counselling. It seems obvious that she needed that sort of intervention a long time ago.

She could hardly talk to her grown-up sons, you were busy and, in any case, at a distance — and few of us want to unload our deepest misery on friends.

I’m suggesting that it’s been building up with no outlet, so now, when you telephone, it breaks over your head. Which is no fun for you — nor for the friends who have to put up with her self-pitying moans and carping envy.

What can we do about people like her? Is it possible to help them?

I don’t think there’s much to gain from suggesting your sister pulls herself together or counts her blessings or anything else that would seem tougher.

I do think you should continue to be sympathetic, because what else can you be?

I'd research therapists in her area (see itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists) and then pay a visit, listen to her woes, and suggest she has so many problems from the past which are still bothering her, it might be helpful for her to see an expert.

Say you have friends for whom this process has been very helpful (even if that’s not true) and that you would love her to try it.

Tell her that you want her to find a new lease of life, and that this could be one way of starting it. I know she is likely to be negative, but your task will be to turn her round and agree to this positive step.

And if it requires you to be blunt about how she is with others, then be blunt. You’re her sister. Stick with her.

  And finally... God doesn't have all the best tunes

The Easter article which replaced this column (Mail, March 30) drew a large, heart-warming response.

One reader, Collette, wrote to say it was read out by her parish priest as his sermon on Easter Sunday. That was amazing and humbling at once.

Humility is partly why I’m not an atheist. Yet my agnosticism bothered some Christian readers, who counselled me to take the step into belief. The truth is, I don’t want to.

I like the condition of ‘not knowing’. It’s like having a surprise ticket for a magical mystery tour, with lots of guide books to pick from —including the Bible.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.

Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

One ‘tour’ took us to Truro a few weeks ago. You see, I had heard that the Cornish composer Russell Pascoe (an atheist) had written a non-religious Requiem.

He worked with a retired professor of clinical immunology called Anthony Pinching (an agnostic), who carefully assembled a libretto of magnificent poems. How intriguing, I thought . . .  why should religion have all the best tunes?

The work was to be premiered in Truro Cathedral, sung by the Three Spires Singers. We thought it worth a round trip of 300 miles — just to find out how a piece of non-sacred ‘sacred’ music can address the stages of grief, and provide spiritual consolation without being attached to any one faith.

We live in a secular society — yet bereaved people write to me in pain, often just wanting advice on poems to read at a funeral. But the point is they long for ceremony, for seriousness, for meaning.

The great structures of religious ritual and art have always given spiritual support when people need it most.

Russell Pascoe’s Requiem was outstandingly beautiful and I wish it could be heard in concert halls and churches up and down the land.

Because loss is something we all face, and glorious music like this can guide you through grief towards a necessary acceptance.

It was universal, and — ultimately — full of hope. And another worthwhile journey in my personal quest.


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