TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 53 and 55, draw on their 22 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q We have two sons aged 17 and 19. I always thought the younger one might be gay, so it came as no great surprise when he told us he was.
My elder son invited a friend to stay recently and, three days before the visit, he said he was gay, too. He told us he was dating the pal he had invited.
This came as a shock and we felt that we were given little time to digest the news. It has been a difficult time for all of us, not least for the poor fellow who came to stay, who had rather a mixed reception.
Our elder son thinks we are homophobic — but we don’t have anything against him being gay.
It’s just it seems unlikely we will ever have grandchildren now and this is a deep sadness.
There is plenty of advice for those who are coming out, but less for the parents. What would you advise?
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 53 and 55, draw on their 22 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
DOM SAYS:
Thank you very much for your letter. Firstly, may I congratulate your boys for having the strength of character to be themselves in a world in which homophobia sadly still exists.
I have huge admiration for your boys for feeling they can be honest about who they are.
It must be very hard to hear your son accuse you of being homophobic — I’m sure it is something you find abhorrent.
Indeed, your reaction to your younger child’s announcement should serve to show you are anything but.
However, I do think you need to examine your feelings — and expectations — about your children’s life goals.
Straight or gay, your children’s choices about whether or not they have their own children are exactly that — their choices.
Of course, your boys may well choose to marry and have children, so it’s important you realise your deep sadness over this is misplaced.
There are a plethora of options — they might adopt or seek a surrogate. So your wishes may well be fulfilled. They are still just teenagers, after all.
These decisions are for your children to make in the future.
It’s perfectly normal to hope for grandchildren — who doesn’t want a new family baby to cuddle (and then give back)? But that’s a lot of pressure to put on young shoulders.
Dom says it is not fair to put the pressure of giving you grandchildren on your children, no matter their sexual orientation. Pictured: File photo.
Gay or straight, it’s not fair on your children to believe they will provide you with grandchildren. If you can’t get over this, my advice is to talk to a professional who can help you come to terms with the grief of a loss of expectation.
Now, to come back to the issue with your elder son. I think the problem — and the solution — is time. You always thought your younger son might be gay, so you had plenty of time to digest that, and, as such, were able to behave as you would’ve liked when the moment came.
But your elder son’s news came out of the blue — you weren’t ready to hear it. It’s only fair to expect your eldest to be a little bit upset about your reaction.
It’s as if his brother’s news, rather than making his own path smoother, has, in fact, made it harder.
I suspect your son also feels sore about the ‘mixed reception’ his boyfriend was given.
I’m sure you feel guilty about that and you must apologise to both your son and your son’s boyfriend for your behaviour.
And then? You keep talking, you keep reassuring your son you love him, that you are not homophobic, and, in time, I’m sure all will be well.
STEPH SAYS:
The first thing I would like you to know is that I am full of admiration for you and your family, as I can see that there is a lot of love between you all. This is precious and often very hard to maintain.
I find it interesting that you say you always had the feeling your younger son was gay but were surprised by his brother’s news. You say it was a ‘shock’, and I wonder whether part of the upset you describe is that you are questioning yourself — why didn’t you spot this?
Perhaps the fact you didn’t instinctively realise has made you feel distant from your elder son? I fear that you are angry at yourself for not knowing he was gay. If so, it is vital that you forgive yourself.
It could be that your son has only just come to his truth. He might have taken a long time to get there, whereas your younger son has, like you, always known.
I do, however, understand that you’re cross with yourself for reacting negatively — particularly towards his boyfriend.
It is very important for everyone that you apologise to him — imagine if the roles were turned and it was your son visiting his boyfriend’s family?
Equally, your son put you in a difficult position, setting up the situation as he did so that you wouldn’t have much time to process it. You must tell him how you feel.
Three days between an announcement and a meeting is not long. I would ask yourself why he felt it necessary to do it like that. Maybe he felt overshadowed by his brother and worried that you would react badly?
I think you are upset, not by his news but by the way he told you. You must make that clear to him. If not, you risk escalating this problem into a crisis.
His declaration of who he is must be celebrated but you’re not wrong to wish he had delivered the news differently. But at the heart of this is his declaration, not the way he delivered it.
I understand your concern that he may not choose to have children. But perhaps you should try and look at it a different way. Our generation grew up being conditioned to think that we should get married, have 2.4 children, then grandchildren would come along and complete the circle.
That was your idea of the cycle of life and you clearly feel that you have been denied this. I do understand that. But your son’s mental health and happiness come way before your desire to have grandchildren. And your relationship with your son is the most important thing to focus on right now.