DEAR BEL
I’ve been married to my third husband for nearly 20 years. We had a great sex life before marriage, then it all went wrong.
His son slept in the next room so it was a case of making love quietly and, soon, not at all. Even on holiday, when it was just the two of us, he still didn’t want to make love.
I got so frustrated that I started to comfort eat and put weight on.
He also put weight on, so that supposedly became the reason we didn’t have sex.
'If we split up, I have nowhere to go and a house sale wouldn't bring enough money for both of us to buy'
Now in my 60s, I have osteoarthritis and feel I’ve let myself go. But he’s been eating better, walking and has never been fitter.
A few months ago, he asked whether we could ‘resume marital relations’. I was so shocked I just stared at him and he said to think about it and went out the door.
After 19 years with very few signs of affection, I was hardly in the mood!
We talked and I tried not to be accusatory, just saying I’d gone way beyond that now and wasn’t really capable, because of my mobility issues. So he left it.
A while later we discussed things again and told each other that we didn’t love each other anymore, but couldn’t afford to live apart so we’d stay as we were.
We haven’t got a spare room as such, so still share a bed, with me staying as near the edge as I can.
One night, I saw a message on his phone which I couldn’t read (he’d have been able to tell), only the first bit which said, ‘I’ll kiss you better tomorrow . . .’ I saw her name on his phone many times — someone I know.
He always holidays abroad with his sister (it’s too hot for me and I’m not mobile enough) and I discovered that this year they’ve taken two apartments, one for him and the phone-lady and the other for his sister.
What upset me most was not just the affair, but his sister’s collusion. We were always friends.
I haven’t really got anyone to talk to about this and don’t know what to do. If we split up, I have nowhere to go and a house sale wouldn’t bring enough money for both of us to buy.
But I don’t think I can live with him much longer. I’m close to retirement and won’t have anywhere near as much money coming in, so I’d have problems renting.
If he left, I wouldn’t have enough to run this house on my own. If it was sold, he’d be able to go and live with her as she has her own place, but I’d be stuck.
I almost wish I hadn’t found out. I feel depressed and keep crying and try not to let him see how I feel about him. I don’t want a confrontation until I know what I can do to get out of this mess.
ELLEN
Now, Ellen, I have to jump in with both feet and tell you that this has gone on long enough. What has? Your hopeless, desperate, endless, fainthearted capitulation to unhappiness.
You are clinging to the edge of that lonely marital bed like a doomed soul clinging to the edge of a crumbling cliff — and I’m sure everybody reading this would like to rescue you.
Yet if I could send a marital counsellor, a therapist, a mediator and a solicitor round to knock on your door, even their combined knowledge and understanding would do no good unless you could make up your mind to rescue yourself.
More from Bel Mooney...
BEL MOONEY: I've nursed my husband through cancer but now I want to leave 19/04/13
BEL MOONEY: I'm in love for the first time but not with my husband... 12/04/13
BEL MOONEY: I feel guilty my son is in nursery all week so I can work 05/04/13
BEL MOONEY: The painful price we pay for love and the REAL meaning of Easter 30/03/13
BEL MOONEY: I feel guilty about my affair but I'm hooked on secrecy 22/03/13
BEL MOONEY: I'm furious at my boyfriend for having his ex to stay in his flat 16/03/13
BEL MOONEY: How can I stop my teenage son wasting his life away? 08/03/13
BEL MOONEY: Can I help my depressed friend without being dragged down too? 01/03/13
VIEW FULL ARCHIVE
It so happens that you would do well to consult one or other (or all) of those professionals in the near future.
But for now, you have urgently to work out why you are so ‘stuck’ — before you become even more of a victim than you already are.
You say you ‘don’t want a confrontation’ until you know what ‘I can do to get out of this mess’. But how can you possibly find out until you do, indeed, confront your husband about his deception?
Actually I hate the word ‘confront’ because it sounds aggressive. Quiet strength is what I have in mind.
You and your husband have already faced up to the fact that you no longer love each other, yet both lacked the will to put an end to the sad situation.
Now the time has come to move on to the next stage of both your lives. I imagine his sister knows quite well how unhappy her brother has been (for how many years?) which is why she agreed to help him.
I can understand that you feel hurt by that, but ask you to ‘flip’ her collusion and regard it as proof that she believes your marriage to be over.
Maybe, subconsciously, he meant you to find out about his affair. Maybe he knows that an upheaval is necessary (if frightening) to allow you to break away from each other and start new lives.
I understand what a stumbling block financial matters can seem. But it sounds as if you are allowing yourself to become bogged down in the ‘what ifs?’ as a means of avoiding the all-important question, ‘When?’
Let me ask you this: which represents a better future, the prospect of continuing this miserable existence or the thought of living alone in a cosy little ground-floor flat, with maybe a cat for company? OK, so you don’t want a cat . . . but surely you take my point.
Sixty-something is far too young to refuse change. To accept that you are overweight and unhappy and deceived and unloved — and just live with that sorry situation. To give up the ghost on life.
Take some deep breaths and clasp your hands tightly in front of you, to give you strength and courage. Then sit down and tell him, very calmly, that you know he would rather be free, and so would you — and so what is the best way to proceed?
Let him know that you expect him — for the sake of everything you have shared — to ensure that you are taken care of, especially since you have poor health. Then seek professional help and take your life back.
My son's a lothario just like his dad
DEAR BEL
I’m 48, long-divorced and raised a son to adulthood by myself. The two of us have always been extremely close, and I admit that I may have leaned on him too much when he was growing up.
But he turned out happy and confident, doing well at school, and later, in his chosen career.
He is now 27 and a fine young man with high moral standards . . . or so I thought.
Visiting recently, he used my computer and through this I discovered to my shock that he has no less than three girls on the go at once — one of them his long-time steady girlfriend, and the other two old school-friends who tracked him down on a social media website.
He is physically involved with all of them. None of them seem to know about the others. To say I’m disappointed is an understatement.
His father gave me much grief by behaving in precisely the same fashion. It tears me to pieces to think that my son is cut from the same cloth.
I even feel betrayed . . . though I know it’s none of my business. I haven’t confronted my son with this knowledge, but have been extremely irritable with him, picking fights over trivial matters.
He doesn’t understand why. I already know what you are going to say, Bel: let it go, and let him go. But how do I do that?
He’s been my whole world for so long. I poured my heart into raising him and it grieves me to think he’s turned out to be the kind of man I’d warn young ladies to stay away from.
I am feeling very lost right now, and I would appreciate any words of advice.
EVE
'It grieves me to think my son's turned out to be the kind of man I'd warn young ladies to stay away from.' Posed by models
We carry our children, give birth to them in pain, struggle through sleepless nights and tiring days, change nappies, wash clothes, apply plasters and kisses to cuts, and so on — and on and on.
We are rewarded by the love that flows through body and soul at the sight of a little face blowing out birthday candles or the older one thrilled because you love your home-made Mothering Sunday gift.
I sometimes want to tell new mothers that such love goes on growing and can be the greatest experience of your life. But it is almost invariably accompanied by a negative — including disappointment. Naturally, I keep my mouth shut. Let people find out in their own time, in their own way.
But if I’m asked . . . that’s different. Here you are, no longer believing that your son is ‘a fine young man’ (the phrase you chose is very telling) because you’ve accidentally found out he’s a bit of a lothario, no doubt having a great time.
Dare I say that your original assessment of him might be correct? Which is to say that he may not be ‘fine’ (I’d never have described my beloved son as ‘fine’ — ever!), just decent and normal, as well as fallible.
My scenario is that he was getting into a rut with his girlfriend, was contacted by the girls from his past, met up, had some drinks, then had a fling with each of them.
Naturally he kept schtum — because you would, wouldn’t you?
I’m not saying that it’s OK to cheat, just that your response is rooted in the way you were treated by an unfaithful husband.
It’s entirely understandable and I sympathise — but I don’t think you should allow yourself to second-guess your son’s future behaviour just because you’ve discovered he’s as prone to indiscretion as many men and women. It doesn’t make him a bad person.
You must hold on to that thought. He would be furious if he thought you’d been snooping so I wouldn’t confess.
But it would be quite appropriate (since you’ve always been so close) to engineer a heart-to-heart during which you can ask about his girlfriend, find out if he’s happy, wonder if he ever gets itchy feet, and so on.
You could also talk about those early years and ask if he felt overwhelmed by your expectations. I also think you could confess that you’ve worried about him becoming like his dad — and see what he says.
Lost? You have to rediscover your path, as the loving mother to a young man who will make many mistakes. How could you ‘let him go’? But maybe you have to learn to let him be.
And finally... You've given me hope in humanity
In a wise bestseller, The Secret Of Happy Parents, Steve Biddulph throws light on the gloom I confessed to you last week.
Biddulph writes, ‘We are intended to be truth seekers, life-bringers, but this image of ourselves has all but been lost in modern life.
‘Every night the TV news presents to us, in vivid detail, the tiny proportion of places where the human race is going wrong.
‘Imagine if the TV news were governed by a sense of proportion: Here is the news. Six billion people today got fed, co-operated with each other, and were really nice to their children. A few slipped up, but nothing worth mentioning. And now here’s the weather . . .’
TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL
Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.
Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.
A pseudonym will be used if you wish.
Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
It’s a point worth repeating. And it so happens that many of the millions who lead uneventful but magnificent lives read this newspaper!
I know because they write to me — not just with problems, but with consoling stories, humour, bravery and wisdom.
Never more so than after last week’s And Finally. I have been totally overwhelmed by the beauty and optimism of your extraordinary response.
Judith Jones says: ‘People are good and we will get better together.’
Jill Mazillus reassures me: ‘. . . remember that just as you are here for us, so we are here for you.’
Patricia Smith is eloquent: ‘Amid all this apparent confusion, it is important to remember that hope exists. Everyone who wants to make a difference and restore some semblance of decency and empathy and understanding has the ability to make that difference. Every single day people face challenges of faith and self.
‘It is easy to feel cast adrift and isolated. If you believe nothing else, believe in yourself and your ability to make a difference in other people's lives.
‘Remember the countless words of hope and comfort and inspiration you bring others. Banish the negative words and images. Take a little time out to reflect on the extraordinary gifts in your life. Nurture yourself and feed your soul.’
There were so many more — each letter a jewel. Words like those are a glorious reminder of the extraordinary power of the human spirit. So thank you for restoring my faith.