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The Apprentice reviewed by Deborah Ross: Oh Lordy... save me from Apprenticitis

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The Apprentice Tuesday & Wednesday, BBC1                            4/5 To celebrate the return of The Apprentice, here is your handy A-Z guide:

B is for the Boardroom where 'Lord Sugar is ready to see you now'

A is for Apprenticitis, which you  were warned about, and which you  can contract if you watch too much Apprentice. You will know you have come down with Apprenticitis when you start telling everyone: ‘My first word wasn’t Mummy, it was money,’ and insist on pulling a little suitcase on wheels behind you wherever you go. 

B is for the Boardroom where ‘Lord Sugar is ready to see you now’ which is pretty rich, considering he is always the last to enter through those frosted doors.

C is for the Candidates, who are made to the show’s exact specifications in a factory just outside Croydon that specialises in Deranged Suck-Ups. This is why they bear no resemblance to any human being you have or ever will encounter.

D is for your Dying grandmother whom, once you are in the grip of Apprenticitis, you will have to step over, and persist in doing so even though she may grab your ankle and exclaim pitifully: ‘I’ve lived through two world wars.  Don’t treat me like this!’ You must, of course, shake her off, and then, if you’ve the time, run her over with your little suitcase on wheels.

E is Entrepreneur which is what all the candidates now call themselves, as in ‘property entrepreneur’ and ‘health drink entrepreneur’ and if you went to Asda this morning, who is to say you are not a ‘retail entrepreneur’?

F is for the Female candidates who now all resemble Towie escapees and even do that Towie thing where they look like 48-year olds trying to look like 25-year olds even though they are only 22. Spooky.

G is for Google and having no access (presumably), thus making the candidates the very last people on earth to find the Yellow Pages useful.

H is for Hemlock, as drunk in The Sad Cafe of Failure where the losing team bicker – as distinct from the cafe in The Great British Sewing Bee, which probably did a nice panini. 

E is Entrepreneur which is what all the candidates now call themselves, as in 'property entrepreneur' and 'health drink entrepreneur'

I is for Infectious, and the spreading  of Apprenticitis throughout the neighbourhood. I have just given it to our postman, Bob, and he is not pleased: ‘Last time I had it, I fired Mrs Bob 24 times and, on each occasion, kicked her out of bed, as I don’t have a boardroom. Nightmare.’

J is for Jason, who likened his intelligence to ‘a machete in the jungle’ but was quickly disabused by Alex, who said: ‘Will you just be quiet, you silly s***.’ There was no more talk of machetes that day.

K is for the Kent Beer Festival, and whose idea was that? Yours, no yours,  no yours, no yours, no yours… to the very end of time.

L is for Lord Sugar – real name, S’ralan – who, as a baby, sold his own dribble, and would later go door to door selling dust and table crumbs.

M is for Margaret Mountford, who quit as one of S’ralan’s snitches to pursue an academic career and did not, as far as is known, ever enjoy a hot date with…

N is for Nick Brewer, although, in  all our minds, wouldn’t that hot date  have gone like this: a bar, and much flirting of the kind that would almost certainly involve frowning deeply, raising an eyebrow in disbelief, and  gazing witheringly at each  other until one or the other said: ‘Shall we go back to your place for some thoughtful pencil tapping?’ And then they’d jump in a taxi, pulses racing.

O is for ‘OMG!, Alex looks like a waxwork of Freddie Mercury, having kissed a hot frying pan.’

P is for ‘Positivize’ and generally conflating ridiculous words in the most bizarre fashion.

Q is for the most memorable Quote of all time, from Stuart Baggs. ‘I’m not a one‑trick pony. I’m not a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.’

R is for Rolling your eyes in despair, which Nick and Margaret might also consider to be foreplay.

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S is for the contrived and rehearsed Spontaneous quip, as beloved by S’ralan and, elsewhere, by Peter Jones of Dragons’ Den. You will often find one or other sleeping outside the BBC’s Contrived and Rehearsed Spontaneous Quip Department so they get first dibs come the morning.

T is for Team Leader, and the prime wuzzock who always volunteers for it.

U is for Undermining, a technique proven to backfire, yet it still remains highly popular. 

V is for Viglen, the company where the winner sits in a cupboard for a year, and then wanders off, or sues.

W is for Wine Bar, never the most promising place to sell beer. 

X is for X-rated, and Katie Hopkins, in THAT field.

Y is for You’re Fired, although how is this even possible, when no one  has yet to be awarded a job, or an investment in their business? ‘I’ll keep your CV on file and will let you know if anything comes up,’ would be more accurate. 

Z is for Zippy, which you  are going to have to be, if  you intend to pull a little suitcase after you, wherever you go. You don’t want to be holding people up all day.


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