Question: Before we married, my husband was vigilant, passionate and jealous of other men's interest in me.
But now, a year after we wed, he puts work first, is too tired for sex and never compliments me. I'm tempted to respond to a colleague's flirty overtures to see if it makes my husband more attentive. Should I?
'Should I make my husband jealous by flirting with a colleague?'
Answer: I certainly would NOT advise flirting with a workmate as a way of jazzing things up.
Marriages are so fragile in the early years that this provocation can shatter them. In the first year, most of us have to learn how to be a wife or husband. It takes years of training. Men need to be taught the vital impact of small romantic gestures, while women need to cut their spouses some slack on minor grumbles.
More from Rowan Pelling... 'I miss my first lover's touch... no-one since has matched him': Rowan Pelling advises taking a less rose-tinted view of the past 02/06/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: Neither of my two lovers want a proper relationship, and I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable 26/05/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: I love my partner... but he's SO boring in bed 12/05/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: My young boyfriend can't keep up with me in bed 05/05/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: My friend thinks my husband is a sex pest 28/04/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: My husband says I need a boob job 21/04/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice: I'm so embarrassed - I think our new friends are swingers 14/04/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: He loves impersonal sex, should I worry? 07/04/13 Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: My husband and I haven't made love since his best friend moved in and took over our lives 01/04/13 VIEW FULL ARCHIVECalm conversation and coaxing are more effective than dramatic scenes and hectoring. Men don't tend to relish emotional demands. You need to put them in their comfort zone to reap sexual dividends.
Have you tried to initiate sex with whatever foreplay your spouse most enjoys? It may be trite to say it, but in bed you often have to give to receive.
You also need to identify the reason for his decreased romantic attention. Is he the type who loves the chase and thrives on uncertainty? If so, he could find the status quo of married life boring.
This type of man is deeply insecure and often needs therapy to adapt to matrimony and deal with deep-seated issues. Then there are men who become lazy. They feel they can dispense with all that romantic nonsense after their nuptials.
Your husband's preoccupation with work, however, does not suggest a slothful man. It sounds to me as if he falls into a third category: the pragmatic male who feels so secure in his marriage that he turns his focus to less resolved areas, such as work.
For his bride, it can feel as if romance has died overnight. By the time she's notched up 20 years, however, she'll know these episodes of distraction do not weaken the underlying bond of love and friendship.
Many couples who experience leap over this hurdle. You just need to listen to one another.