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RACHEL JOHNSON: Fix the gutters, darling, we'll be very grateful

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As a child growing up in the United States, I remember thinking my Bible in pre-kindergarten – Good News For Modern Man – had an odd title. To me, the subliminal message was that God wanted only males to have good news.

I kept thinking about this last week when Mary Berry said ‘feminism is a dirty word’. She went on to say that, if you ever want a man to help: ‘You’ve got to persuade them gently to do things and, of course, when they come back they say, “Oh, wasn’t that fun?” ’

She spoke as if the only way forward with chaps was to pretend you were a Norland nanny potty-training a toddler.

Strong view: Mary Berry said last week that 'feminism is a dirty word' and that you have to persuade them gently to help you

Then some sociologists demolished the long-held nostrum – in therapy circles at least – that couples barter chores for sex. Actually, I never knew there were these, ‘If you put the bins out, I’ll put out’, ground rules. However, sociologists now argue that couples who take turns with the Toilet Duck and who share other domestic responsibilities are in fact the ones most likely to suffer marital bed-death.

‘Egalitarianism in committed heterosexual relationships is associated with occasional boredom and a “sibling-like” tonality that undermines sexual desire,’ researchers said. They concluded, triumphantly, that the couples who get it on most often are those who stick to old-fashioned gendered roles, ie where the woman does all the chores and the man returns to the apple-pie nest and shouts for his tea (and oats).

Part of me thinks all that surveys like this ever tell us is that the couples having the most sex are the ones who still fancy each other, no matter who’s cleaned behind the fridge.

But there’s no doubt that the headlines following the release of the report called Egalitarianism, Housework And Sexual Frequency In Marriage have returned us yet again to the ‘You Tarzan, Me Jane’ theory of male-female relationships. ‘Husbands who do HER chores have LESS SEX,’ agreed the world’s media.

This helpfully reminds men why they are so averse to doing their share of domestic drudgery (it does not serve their sexual interests), while also hinting to women that the fastest way to a man’s heart is to put on a tight dress, tie on an apron, and stand at the stove, intently stirring a risotto a la Nigella – and don’t be a ballbreaker about the bins, baby.

Birgitte Nyborg (pictured) had a moment of made=ness with her driver after he dealt with a blocked U-bend at her family home

      More from Rachel Johnson...   Rachel Johnson: My generation is soft? Tell that to a Cub leader from Cornwall 26/05/13   Angelina is rich, famous and human. Get over it 19/05/13   Rachel Johnson: Finally, The Firm has given Camilla the top job she deserves (and I don't care what the bigots say - even if they do scrawl it in green ink) 11/05/13   RACHEL JOHNSON: Gwyneth is so perfect it can make you feel sick - but her honesty is heroic 05/05/13   Let the Leveson Lovers pursue their passion - as long as the press can too 27/04/13   Rachel Johnson: A lesson from Maggie and Boston's heroes - bravery and kindness always win 21/04/13   RACHEL JOHNSON: Why dull, dumpy, divorced men are the new sex gods 14/04/13   Rachel Johnson: Aspiration is the best birth control... How the Philpott case highlights the plight of women trapped in a spiral of benefit, babies and predators 06/04/13   RACHEL JOHNSON: We need Hobbit homes, not 'Chelsea icebergs' 31/03/13   VIEW FULL ARCHIVE

Not great news for modern woman so far, but still. If any men are continuing to read this while her indoors clears up around them, there’s something else to be said at this point about the division of labour and the supply of sex. It’s important. Remember when Birgitte Nyborg, the Prime Minister in TV drama Borgen, had a ‘moment of madness’ with her driver? They were at it like knives seconds after he’d capably dealt with a blocked U-bend at her family home.

To all women viewers, this was a completely natural, nay inevitable, course of events. Men who can fix things are virtually irresistible. Women never tend to find sex with men like that a tradeable chore.

As the new survey also confirms, men who do best in terms of ‘sexual frequency’ are those who do ‘traditionally masculine’ tasks such as DIY and car maintenance. So, finally, we are getting to the truth about what women want: men who are good with their hands. But here’s the bad news: this is exactly what women are no longer getting because – how to put this? – most chaps don’t know how to do anything any more.

It’s why companies called Rent-a-Hubby and Mr Fixit have sprung up, to supply women with competent men to do the things around the house that their husbands can’t.

It’s also why magazines such as Popular Mechanics endlessly publish lists of the ‘100 things a man should know how to do’, because men don’t know how to do them any longer.

Which is a shame as most of the things we want men to do  – change a tyre, move heavy objects, chop wood – are quite easy. So easy, in fact, that even a woman can do them, and usually does (along with almost all the housework).

But the achievement of any such manly tasks by any member of the opposite sex is now such a rare event that when it does happen, it leaves us quite weak with admiration, gratitude and desire.

So husbands, don’t groan next time your wife says the guttering needs fixing. Remember that scene from Borgen instead – you literally never know where things could lead.

Twitter has been pushed out of the picture

All the fun people are migrating to Instagram, the photo-sharing site. Twitter is for people who think they have something to say, but Instagram is for those who have something they want you to see.

Rapper Jay Electronica posted a picture of his dog and his girlfriend Kate Rothschild with a caption that read: ‘Ma bitch and ma trusty German Shepherd.’

Monster hit: L'Wren Scott and Mick Jagger on Instagram

L’Wren Scott posted a picture of her and Mick Jagger dressed up as the Addams family for a party, looking like death warmed up, and so on.

It’s compulsive. It’s exhibitionist. It’s voyeuristic.

And it’s proof that when it comes to communication, ‘show, don’t tell’ is still the rule. I would normally finish with a needy plea for you to follow me on Instagram – but I’m far too old to work out how to upload a picture.

Pumping out a daft message

I fill up at a small independent garage even though it charges much more for fuel than Sainsbury’s in Ladbroke Grove and the price only ever goes up (last week the Office of Fair Trading denied that companies were failing to pass on to drivers any falls in the price of crude, which hardly seems possible, but there we go).

As we teeter on the brink of a triple-dip recession, however, the owners have not only taken to charging me £90 to fill up but are also insisting on payment in advance ‘due to drive-offs’, as a tragic handwritten notice explains.

Misleading: Rachel Johnson's local garage has put adverts on the pump nozzles which read 'Fuel smells even better when it's free'

It occurred to me that perhaps I ought to point out to the friendly family who run the garage that adverts on the pump nozzles for car-sharing firm Zipcar might be contributing to the payment problem.

‘Fuel smells even better when it’s free,’ it says on the Super Unleaded. On my Diesel pump, it just says: ‘Free fuel.’

Everyone's asking if Hilary Mantel is going to win the Women’s Prize For Fiction in addition to the Booker and the Costa Award. 

As a Women’s Prize judge, all I can say is it’s an extremely strong year, with new novels from Kate Atkinson, Rose Tremain, Toni Morrison, A. M. Homes, J. K. Rowling,  Pat Barker, Nicola Barker and Zadie Smith.

I have only another 126 submissions to read before I can tell you if Mantel’s Bring Up The Bodies is even on the long-list.





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