Now that the 2012 Olympics are over, the question must be asked: how do our present sporting heroes compare with those of the past? How were they regarded by their contemporary fans?
For the past few weeks, I have been trying to find an answer to this question in the little-known Historical Online Archive at Kew, where hundreds of thousands of internet comments and tweets from ordinary Britons down the centuries are lovingly preserved. Here is a small selection:
ATLAS: ‘What a big head that guy is. I really don’t think Atlas is half as good as he would be even if he was twice as good. I mean, any1 could hold up the world, given half a chance I would, but my back is playing up and my doctor has advised against, worst luck.’ Geoff, Nuneaton.
BANNISTER, Roger: ‘Why the big rush?’ Simon, Gateshead.
‘Check out those running shoes. Zut alors! They must be against the rules, otherwise no one would be able to run that fast. Next time he should be made to run barefoot.’Pierre, Lyons.
‘Four minutes? So what? I can boil an egg and eat it, all in under four minutes.’ Marjorie, Hants.
Does Popeye really get his strength from spinach alone?BATMAN: ‘What a weed is all I can say. One things 4 sure. No real man would spend his time poncing about in tights and a cape. If he wants to be a perve then he should do so in private and not swoop out of the sky onto ordinary decent citizens of Gotham City. And as for his little sidekick Robin the so-called Boy Wonder — don’t get me started.’ Eileen, Chorley Wood.
DAVID: ‘OK, so Goliath might have needed taking down a peg or two, no one likes an obese guy with a beard and one eye, but then again no one likes a show-off neither and David had no right to push himself forward like that. And they say he’s a dwarf.’R. B. Smith, Haslemere, Surrey.
‘David’s gone all posh now he’s famous, but when I was at school with him he called himself Dave. Now he’s got ideas above his station: it’s all David this, David that. Just goes to show.’ Chris, Totnes.
HERCULES: ‘Some of us were taught not to boast, thank you very much. I’d have slayed the nine-headed Lernean Hydra, captured the Golden Hind, given the Augean stables a spring-clean and slain the Stymphalian birds, but I didn’t have the time. But I know that, if I had, I wouldn’t brag about it.’ Roger, Elstree.
HILLARY, SIR EDMUND: ‘Last week, I climbed all the way up the hill near our village in Yorkshire without the help of a Sherpa, I might add, but do I go on and on about it?
‘Next week, I plan to take a trek in the Pennines, but once again national Press coverage and a knighthood will be denied me, just because I’m not famous, and this is a celebrity-obsessed culture.’Nigel, Ampton Collier, Yorks.
More from Craig Brown... Who trashed Mrs T's shoes? See below... 05/06/13 Why the king of the corgis bit the dust: Eight things you didn't know about the Queen's coronation 03/06/13 Shakespeare? He's only in it for the money 22/05/13 CRAIG BROWN: The perils of beheading a giant prawn 20/05/13 I'll level with you: the British shelf is the best 15/05/13 You'll just love Geoffrey! He's a real character 13/05/13 What a handy place to rest a teacup, Prezza! 08/05/13 Come dine with you? Actually, I'd rather not 06/05/13 So that's why Sunny Jim was so perky! 01/05/13 VIEW FULL ARCHIVEPEGASUS: Every1 goes on and on about what an amazing horse Pegasus is. All I can say is U must be joking guys. OK, so he can fly, but in my book that’s cheating and he should DEFINATELY be disqualified for life.’ Dobbin, Berks.
POPEYE: ‘Will someone please tell Popeye it’s a crime to smoke in public places and for smoking a pipe he can face a fine of up to £1,000. Disgusting habit. Also, if I were him, I’d get that right eye looked at. And while we’re on the subject, that Olive Oyl could do with gaining a few pounds or two. Has she got some sort of disorder? We have a right to know.’ G. W., Wilts
‘Lucky Popeye’s never gone in for the Olympics. He wouldn’t get through the drugs tests. I can’t believe that’s just spinach he’s eating.’ Jim, Gravesend.
TELL, WILLIAM: ‘The guy should be prosecuted. What’s he doing shoot-ing an arrow at his kiddy’s head? Typical Swiss. People who treat their children like that should be locked up. How’d he like it if I shot an arrow at his head? It would teach him a lesson he’d not forget in a long while, and that’s for sure.’ Hazel, Newport.
‘A wicked waste of a perfectly good apple.’ P. D., Birmingham.
WEBB, CAPTAIN: ‘We’d all be swimming the Channel, given half the chance, but some of us have better things to do, like work for a living. Under that bushy beard, he’s probably a highly privileged public school toff. Or black. The rest of us don’t stand a chance.’ Bob Anstruther, Salop.
ZEBEDEE: ‘He’s a pest to himself and the others on The Magic Roundabout. What’s the big deal? I’d be able to bounce around like that if I had a spring instead of legs. Talk about one rule for the rich. The rest of us just have to make do with what we’ve got.
And what kind of a name is Zebedee? Sounds foreign to me. And, while we’re on the subject, I reckon that rabbit is on something.’ Dan, Southend.
