When I first heard there was a row between Mary Berry – Great British Baking Treasure, officially the Nicest Woman In The World – and Bakewell, I thought perhaps a tart had refused to come out of its tin.
Mary had probably banged it on her immaculate work surface before saying, 'Oh, crumbs,' because Mary Berry would never, ever swear. (I know – I've been to her house twice, first to learn to cook, the second time to rummage through her wardrobe, pull out clothes and make her model them in a 12-hour shoot during which she emitted not one mew of complaint.)
But no, it turns out the row was not with a cake, but with Baroness Bakewell, a woman of less stringent morals, if I remember rightly. Google Joan Bakewell and Harold Pinter and steam comes out of the top of your computer.
Row: Baroness Bakewell, left, said she has lived a more 'whizzy life out and about' than Mary Berry, rightApparently, Bakewell thinks Mary is 'very lovely and cosy and rural, and very stable and unchanging. I thought that was fine for her. But perhaps I have lived a bit more of a whizzy life out and about, and my life has been a little bit more rackety. Of course feminism has mattered a great deal to me and matters still.
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More... Bakewell takes on queen of Bake-Off: 'Thinking man's crumpet' in stand-off with Mary Berry over feminism Is the cupcake taking us out of recession? Ruth Tierney reveals how a national pastime has become an economic lifeline Is this the world's most embarrassing mother? Woman who wrote to Princeton student newspaper urging female students to snag man...just like her sonOh dear God, how I hate supposedly intellectual women who believe they are above cooking or keeping their knickers on.
We all know what 'whizzy' means: while Mary Berry washes her kitchen floor once a day (this is something I know for a fact, because when I dropped shortbread on it she said it was still fine to eat), Bakewell probably employs another woman to clean it for her.
Supposedly feminist women often pay their cleaners badly, moan about their work, and accuse them of stealing their Berry Bros wine.
I have a housekeeper who used to work for two very highly educated, highly paid TV types and she tells me they both left dirty knickers on the floor, wine glasses by the side of the bed, and never gave her a Christmas bonus; classy examples of sisterhood, eh?
'Oh crumbs': 'Mary Berry would never, ever swear. I know 'I've been to her house twice'Bakewell is too 'whizzy' to apply make-up, presumably, given the photo the Daily Mail ran with the interview last week, while Mary, despite her 78 years, still bothers to apply fake tan, mascara and lipstick, and to have a French manicure once a week.
More from Liz Jones... Ouch, Madge! Like me, you've passed the nip-and-tuck tipping point: It's when that rejuvenating 'work' starts to turn you into a waxwork. As Liz Jones knows all too well... 03/06/13 LIZ JONES FASHION THERAPY: Why you should go hell for leather 02/06/13 The worst (role) model of the century: As fashionistas fawn over Kate Moss's 25 years on the catwalk, a scathing LIZ JONES begs to differ 31/05/13 LIZ JONES: Save us from the jeans that make even Sienna Miller look chunky! 26/05/13 Liz Jones: Midi skirts aren't just for supermodels with legs like flamingos and they'll be autumn's biggest trend 19/05/13 LIZ JONES: Old women are great with cakes - but far too prickly for TV news 18/05/13 LIZ JONES: White's hot this summer, but can you wear it if you're not walking up the aisle? 13/05/13 Can these clothes save M&S? LIZ JONES meets the woman set to perk up Marks' dowdy designs - and gets an exclusive sneak preview 08/05/13 Liz Jones: So what kind of teenager can afford a £780 duffel bag and £365 earrings? Our columnist on the new Miss Vogue magazine 05/05/13 VIEW FULL ARCHIVEBut aside from the fact old Oxbridge-educated boots always criticise those more beautiful than they are, what really annoyed me about Bakewell's risible rant was the implication Mary Berry is not a feminist at all.
I think we have the definition all wrong. And I think it not just because I love Mary, but because I love my mum. Like Mary, she too was devoted to her husband, loved cooking, never swore or got drunk, and washed the kitchen floor every day.
What is wrong, exactly, with being stable and unchanging? And what is wrong with hard work – looking after seven children on no money, as my mum did, or forging a career in cooking that still means she works 12-hour days, as Mary does? What is wrong with being cosy?
And aren't kindness, humility and patience more important than an Oxbridge degree (my mum left school at 14, while Mary only got one qualification, in domestic science)?
At the end of my fashion shoot with Mary, I was on my knees with exhaustion, while her blue eyes still twinkled, especially when her husband, Paul, came into the kitchen, dogs at his heels, plus-fours on his frame. Who wouldn't want that?
Surely men prefer a smell of baking to several-days-old red wine around your mouth, and cigarette breath. Bakewell has confused being a stop-out with being a feminist, while I think Mary, purely through being a constant, has proved herself to also be a tower of strength.
One clever media type my cleaner worked for used to sling expensive handbags on the floor and stub out fags in her face cream, while Mary told me she chooses a handbag simply so it is big enough 'to carry a pot of jam to give to a friend'. That is class. That is being a real woman. Who cares she never bothers to use the 'F' word.
'Thinking man's crumpet': Joan Bakewell introduces the second heat of Miss Westward 76PS. Poor lambs. Poor, poor freezing lambs. Can't farmers keep them indoors, or at least provide portable, plastic pig shelters, or sweaters?
The RAF had to drop food to lambs this week, as thousands froze in the snow. Not a single RAF person has helped me feed my horses during the Big Freeze on the Dales (I carry a bale on my back).
It must be because my animals are loved, while lambs, as I heard them called the other day, are 'a crop'...
