Good old beach volleyball. If we learned nothing else from London 2012, it’s that a skimpy outfit, a very shouty MC and loud pop music can breathe new life into even the most straightforward of games. That, at least, seems to be the sum of Britain’s Olympic legacy so far if Saturday night television is anything to go by.
This week we had two of the Games’ broadcasting stars, Gabby Logan and Clare Balding, going head-to-head on primetime TV, while the world’s best squash players pitted their wits at the Queen’s Club in a Perspex box with pink branding over on Sky.
Even in the most traditional of competitions, the FA Cup, there was some chap called Lethal Bizzle entertaining us before kick-off at Upton Park. Quite what Sir Trevor Brooking made of it, I’m not sure.
Splash: Daley part of ITV's reality diving show on Saturday night More from Laura Williamson... LAURA WILLIAMSON: Dingley won her battle but the war on bigotry is not over 02/06/13 LAURA WILLIAMSON: How Miss Moneylegs is battling back from adversity after missing London 2012 through injury 26/05/13 Last 12 months have been a 'whirlwind' for Houghton as Arsenal Ladies look to add another FA Cup to packed trophy cabinet 25/05/13 LAURA WILLIAMSON: Peacock hopes to cut a dash and avoid blade row 19/05/13 Laura Williamson: Save me from the swirling madness as Fergie goes viral 12/05/13 Laura Williamson: The battle against doping should also include arrogant ball sports 05/05/13 Laura Williamson: British Athletics needs to seize the moment and cash in... just like Jess, Mo and Co 22/04/13 LAURA WILLIAMSON: Arsenal struggle to keep Wolf from the door as Germans earn first-leg advantage 14/04/13 Laura Williamson: Looking for some exposure? Maybe try exposing yourself 07/04/13 VIEW FULL ARCHIVEWe’ve had Victoria Pendleton and Louis Smith on Strictly Come Dancing, a rain-sodden Superstars revival and now Luke Campbell and Beth Tweddle in Dancing on Ice. Then there’s Splash! (The exclamation mark, I’m afraid, is part of the title.)
While Balding was glammed up to present a new BBC game show called Britain’s Brightest, Logan was on ITV in a neon pink shift dress (very London 2012 logo) watching people of varying degrees of fame try to dive. Not in a Gareth Bale way as she often does on a Saturday, but into water. Thank goodness Jo Brand was on hand to provide advice.
No diving show, of course, would be complete without Britain’s favourite bronze medallist, Tom Daley. There he was, distributing words of wisdom with the poise of an 18-year-old destined for a lengthy television career. The future of a show that was more Eurotrash than European Championships remains to be seen.
It was bonkers. As I waited for Sam Allardyce to speak after West Ham’s draw with Manchester United, I couldn’t help notice a few colleagues’ eyes wandering to TV screens in the press rooms. A girl in a gold bikini was prancing around a pool in Luton on one set.
Balding was on the other, encouraging a contestant to guess the person whose first name was represented by a sheep and bra (Barbara Windsor, if you’re wondering).
These programmes seem to be the result of television’s lust to recreate the heady days of last summer. The premise of reality TV is that people become overnight stars and this, to an extent, was true of the Games. Yet Britain’s short-term legacy seems to be about the fun and razzle-dazzle of London 2012: flash those multi-coloured lights and turn up the music, please.
Venue: Horse Guards Parade hosted the Olympic beach volleyball competition WHAT THEY SAIDVictoria Azarenka withdrew from the Brisbane International this week because she got an infection in her toe from ‘a bad pedicure experience’.
Last year’s Australian Open champion said: ‘The doctor said it happens a lot.’ Not if you’re the world’s No 1 tennis player, it doesn’t.
Such is the frenzy, there were calls this week to make darts an Olympic sport after Phil Taylor’s thrilling win over Michael van Gerwen in the PDC World Championship final. A discipline so dominated by men does not have a cat in hell’s chance of being included, yet darts’ fun, brash package gives us a prototype sports are falling over themselves to follow.
Barry Hearn’s at it again with ping pong, enticing 64 of the world’s best to Alexandra Palace with a $100,000 prize fund, blaring music and bats designed to reduce speed and spin. Even netball’s having a go, with a high-energy version - Fast Net - aiming for a new audience. It worked for Rugby Sevens after all, which debuts in Rio in 2016.
But amid the splash, glitter and razzmatazz on TV, spare a thought for beach volleyball. Last summer’s beer-swilling bash at Horse Guards Parade gave it exposure beyond its sporting value, but also made it a bit of a laughing stock. The sport revelled in its moment, but there were no long-term foundations rooted in that temporary sandpit next to Downing Street.
It’s the same with TV’s attempts to jump on the bandwagon. It’s all good fun, but is our Olympic ideal to be boiled down to a blast of artificial smoke and a cascading wall of glitter? Going by Saturday, those hopes for our grand Olympic legacy will be gone before you can say ‘Splash!’
AND THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
At QPR on Friday, Harry Redknapp summed up one of the most irritating things in football: players not celebrating when they score against a former club.
‘Inside they’re going, “Have that. It’ll teach you to get rid of me”,’ said the QPR boss, laughing. ‘But outside they’re going, “Oh no, I didn’t want to score”. Great, isn’t it?’
Happy return: Shaun Wright-Phillips didn't celebrate his winner against former club Chelsea TWEET OF THE WEEKMatch of the Day presenter Gary Lineker during ITV’s - admittedly awful - FA Cup highlights show on Saturday night. ‘Funny, you’re never as popular as when you’re not around. #motd’. Mee-ow.
Watching the BBC’s coverage of the Great Edinburgh Cross-Country. Steve Cram’s commentary was as authoritative as ever but it needed to be because, despite big names in the women’s 3km invitational race and an exciting finish to the men’s event, it looked like a souped-up sports day. While it’s great to see more athletics on TV, the casual viewer might have been put off . . .
Smiling at the fact West Ham joint chairman David Gold loves the FA Cup so much he bought it.‘I bought the oldest existing FA Cup, which is on show at the National Football Museum,’ Gold revealed in Saturday’s programme. ‘I plan to bring it along for good luck.’ Good for him.
More... Edge of the Box: We all love Tom Daley, but his diving show Splash! fails to make waves Nick Harris: We'll back player walk-offs over racism, says union chief Carlisle
