JANET STREET-PORTER: Why is Pippa Middleton writing for Waitrose and would Boris Johnson be funny with neat hair?
When I heard mums get asked more questions per hour than David Cameron faces at Prime Minister's Questions, I wasn't surprised.
Girls aged four are the most persistent interrogators, demanding an astonishing 390 answers every day. Mums have taken to searching the internet for help with explaining why the sky is blue and water is wet.
I sympathise - I was an irritatingly curious child, but the trouble is I've never got out of the habit. Every day dozens of questions about modern life bubble up through my consciousness, demanding answers.
Janet Street-Porter would like to know if Boris would be so funny with neat hair, and why Pippa Middleton has been given a column about food when she clearly doesn't eat all that muchSadly, I never receive any. And, judging by my postbag, you feel the same. What we need instead of a radio show called Any Answers - hosted by Jonathan Dimbleby, on which politicians never give any answers, just a load of the same old waffling rubbish - is a show called Real Answers To Troubling Dilemmas. I would gladly be the host, because it's bound to be a smash hit.
More from Janet Street Porter... JANET STREET-PORTER: I despise the nanny state - but it's the only cure for Fat Slob UK 02/06/13 Wrinklies, rise up! Attacked for stealing the young's jobs and patronised by politicians. We oldies, says JANET STREET-PORTER, unveiling her Grey Power Manifesto, need to fight back... 31/05/13 JANET STREET-PORTER: Watch out... soon GPs will ban patients altogether! 27/05/13 Janet Street-Porter: 'Experts say I'm common but I'm just not bovvered! It hasn't held back David Beckham or Adele' 19/05/13 'Yes, I'm a Nimby. And proud of it!': JANET STREET-PORTER cheers on the Not In My Backyard brigade and snubs wind farms 13/05/13 Janet Street-Poter: We'll all have to cough up for Dave's betrayal on booze 'n' fags 05/05/13 How many of us ever thank those who shaped our lives? In these witty yet surprisingly tender letters, JANET STREET PORTER says: Thank you for making me the nation's favourite big mouth 03/05/13 JANET STREET-PORTER: Hand back our bus passes and TV licences?! You must be joking, Iain Duncan Smith 28/04/13 As Sharon Osbourne leaves Ozzy behind, Janet Street-Porter says there are four words a wife should never trust: 'I promise I'll change' 21/04/13 VIEW FULL ARCHIVEHere are some of the recurring Big Questions that clog up my brain day in and day out, and which no politician or expert has been able to answer:
1. Why does Pippa write about feasts in a food magazine when she obviously doesn't eat much?
2. Sorry, another Pippa question, but she is a modern enigma. Why does she outline her eyes with that black stuff - is it to make sure we know that those two little white things with pupils in them next to her nose are eyes, not ears? (That's how I feel about lip-liner, too.)
3. How does Nick Clegg 'feel our pain'? He hasn't given birth, stayed at home to breastfeed his babies or given up his career to be a house husband. We know he can cry (OK, snivel) and look sad, and is probably henpecked. But is he a vertebrate that has pain sensors?
4. Does David Tennant have more than two expressions: cross and even crosser? Does he put stuff in his eyes so they look very white on telly?
5. Does Boris ever comb his hair or is it part of his brand? If he combed it, would his brain work differently and be less 'fun'?
6. Is anyone going to take the blame for failures in the NHS? How many deaths in an NHS hospital does it take for one executive to hand in their notice? Does ten grannies, a couple of babies, half a dozen mums and five old men wasting away from preventable bugs and infection add up to enough human misery for one highly paid NHS executive to give up their pension?
7. If we spend so much time moaning about kids leaving school illiterate, why don't we spend more money on teachers and reduce class sizes?
8. The complexities of modern language. What does the word 'luxury' mean when written on a Hilton Hotel emery board? Likewise, the words 'limited edition' splashed across a Marks & Spencer bag of rocket salad? Luxury once meant something we couldn't afford. Limited edition meant an artwork. Now they mean dog biscuits and panty liners - help, guidance needed!
9. Are benefits being reduced or not? According to one minister, Iain Duncan Smith, claimants will see benefits rise year on year. According to Minister for Disabled People, Esther McVey, the bill will be cut. Is this mysterious thing called a Benefits Bill a bit like my pension schemes: a bit of paper that arrives once a year and is completely incomprehensible?
10. I didn't get the UK in a financial mess. Neither did you. We didn't speculate on currencies, futures, derivatives, dodgy mortgages or commodities. I pay all my tax in the UK every year - and so do most of you. So why are we asked to tighten our belts, accept lower wages, work fewer hours, pay higher taxes and cough up more to eat, travel and heat our homes? In short, why am I sending a bigger proportion of what I earn back to George Osborne to pay off some debt I didn't cause in the first place?
Just thought I'd ask!
STONES STUCK IN THE MUD
Keith Richards and Mick JaggerThe Rolling Stones play Glastonbury - a month before Mick turns 70.
As a youthful pensioner, I should be celebrating, but I find it deeply depressing.
The Stones are smug and unthreatening, a showband charging ludicrous prices for old hits.
Punk and protest and confrontation in pop have been replaced by bland cosiness, like the other headline act at Glasto, Mumford & Sons.
As a teenager I watched the Stones rehearse in Soho and noted every appearance in my diary.
They represented everything the establishment found threatening -sex with anyone you fancied, drugs and radical politics.
The Stones got stuck in a rut - they rarely collaborate with young musicians to re-invent themselves.
I wouldn't wear a frock from 1963, so why listen to this old stuff?
BEING YOUNG ISN'T A CRIME
L platesYoung people in Barnsley can no longer go out at night without being accompanied by an adult. To fight antisocial behaviour, a curfew has been imposed on under-16s between 9pm and 6am in parts of the town.
A good idea on one level, but it smacks of desperation. The sight of coppers frog-marching home any teenager who dares to pop out for a beer with their mates fills me with gloom.
Loafing about at night is what teenagers have always done. I spent hours mincing past my chip shop in the hope of attracting one spotty youth.
Surely police efforts should be focused on known troublemakers, ensuring that young people have places such as under-used church halls to go to and let off steam? In another worrying development, the Government is considering imposing a curfew on young drivers, too, and extending the time during which their licence can be revoked if they incur more than six penalty points.
Motoring organisations want newly qualified drivers banned from the road between 11pm and 4am, to be allowed only one passenger under 20 and to lose their licence if they’ve consumed alcohol. These measures might sound good in theory, but what is needed is better education for drivers and more access to motor workshops and apprenticeships for car-crazy boys and girls.
At this rate, we might as well lock up all under-16s each night so they can’t smoke, drink, swear, drive or breathe anywhere we don’t approve of. Only joking!
SEW IT UP
Claudia WinklemanSewing is one of the most restful hobbies. As a teenager, I made all my own clothes, re-cutting patterns to make skinny shift dresses, tight Bermuda shorts and shirts with curvy collars.
As an architecture student, I designed and stitched silver coats and skirts for a trendy shop in Carnaby Street, so I was never exactly a poor student, though my college work probably suffered as a result.
I was thrilled to find a new BBC2 series about dressmaking starts tomorrow at 8pm - until I read the host is that female faucet of mindless gush, stick insect fashionista Claudia Winkleman.
She probably irons her hair, not her paper patterns, and knows as much about sewing as Sue Perkins does about baking.
The BBC says looks don't matter when they choose their female presenters. You can't pull the darning wool over my eyes.
PASS THE BUCKET, MRS CARTER
BeyonceI couldn't face watching the BBC's Imagine on Beyonce.
The singer wrote it, directed it, starred in it and it was all about her favourite subject - herself. Beyonce wore a leather corset reminiscent of a hi-tech cheese cutter to perform at the Superbowl.
She says she's a feminist and is headlining a charity concert in London on June 1 to promote women's rights, produced by the team responsible for Live Aid and sponsored by Gucci.
The superstar just happens to be touring Europe with her Mrs Carter tour - referring to her married name.
She says: 'I need to find a new word for feminism...like bootylicious.'
That sounds about as empowering as her crotch-hugging leather knickers. I feel a bit queasy.
