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JANET STREET-PORTER: Why do women fall for pointless feminine hygiene products? They only make us anxious about our bodies

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Dawn O'Porter has become the new face of Andrex Washlets, which aim to convince women they must use wet loo paper to be clean

There's nothing like a snowy weekend for guilt-free loafing - as long as you ignore those infuriating telly ads aimed at making us feel anxious about our bodies.

Positioned to reach the maximum number of female viewers during prime-time dramas such as Mr Selfridge, they are insidious twaddle.

A glamorous female in a gorgeous frock falls out of a car door, but her 'oops' moment is avoided because she's wearing Lights by Tena, the incontinence pad you can't see.

Dawn O'Porter, once a sassy telly presenter (she changed her name from Dawn Porter when she married Chris O'Dowd) is reduced to masquerading as Claudia Winkleman, driving around the country in a battle bus, exhorting the female population to start wiping their bottoms with Andrex Washlets and then post pictures of themselves on her Washlets Wall of Fame.

Cleanliness warrior Dawn is a traitor to feminism, no matter what she writes on her blog. While there may be justification for buying pads if you suffer from a weak pelvic floor, I'd bet 99 per cent of women have absolutely no need for these products.

Wet toilet tissues are hardly environmentally friendly because when they're flushed down the loo they take longer to break down. One water company is spending £9 million a year on clearing blockages caused by products like this - a cost that will surely be reflected in our water bills.

More importantly, who thinks women are so stinky we need to wipe our bottoms with WET tissues? What's wrong with loo paper? Obviously, manufacturers have to come up with new, more expensive products to flog us, and to do that, they trade on our insecurity.

      More from Janet Street Porter...   JANET STREET-PORTER: I despise the nanny state - but it's the only cure for Fat Slob UK 02/06/13   Wrinklies, rise up! Attacked for stealing the young's jobs and patronised by politicians. We oldies, says JANET STREET-PORTER, unveiling her Grey Power Manifesto, need to fight back... 31/05/13   JANET STREET-PORTER: Watch out... soon GPs will ban patients altogether! 27/05/13   Janet Street-Porter: 'Experts say I'm common but I'm just not bovvered! It hasn't held back David Beckham or Adele' 19/05/13   'Yes, I'm a Nimby. And proud of it!': JANET STREET-PORTER cheers on the Not In My Backyard brigade and snubs wind farms 13/05/13   Janet Street-Poter: We'll all have to cough up for Dave's betrayal on booze 'n' fags 05/05/13   How many of us ever thank those who shaped our lives? In these witty yet surprisingly tender letters, JANET STREET PORTER says: Thank you for making me the nation's favourite big mouth 03/05/13   JANET STREET-PORTER: Hand back our bus passes and TV licences?! You must be joking, Iain Duncan Smith 28/04/13   As Sharon Osbourne leaves Ozzy behind, Janet Street-Porter says there are four words a wife should never trust: 'I promise I'll change' 21/04/13   VIEW FULL ARCHIVE

Deodorant is another case in point - one in 50 of us has the gene that ensures our sweat never smells, and yet a million people are buying a product they have no need for. Research shows we use deodorant for cultural, not practical reasons.

In other words, we have been brainwashed by ad campaigns implying we'll be friendless without the stuff. The list of redundant products that trade on our insecurities is long - I use an expensive electric toothbrush, but there's very little evidence it is better than old-style manual brushing. Scientists have said over and over again that most beauty products are pointless - creams flogged for specific areas, like bust, neck, décolletage, feet, hands and so on, are no better than using one decent moisturiser all over.

What does a toner do? Use a wet flannel. As for body scrubs and creams to exfoliate chapped lips, scientists say the body exfoliates itself, shedding unwanted skin naturally, yet we are told we must avoid 'dead cells' hanging around. What drivel. Cellulite will never be banished by creams, special jeans, expensive tights or spa wrap treatments that cost a fortune. At best it might be made to look better temporarily.

The other day, I thought my face was feeling pleasantly soft, and discovered I'd been using a free sample of foot cream. So much for cosmetics. As for the Washlets Wall of Fame - that's one club women can do without. We're worth more than that, Dawn.

  Sex with the chauffeur? Scandi-lous! Birgitte and Kaspar

Borgen, BBC's hit series  about a female prime  minister, has turned into a  steamy bonk-buster.

A week ago, the PM's chauffeur dropped round one evening to deliver some post and offered to unblock her sink - within two minutes they'd stripped off for some personal plumbing.

A frantic damage limitation exercise by Birgitte's crafty spin doctor Kasper  ensured her moment of  madness didn't end up  in the public domain.

Meanwhile, Kasper's been dashing from his glamorous ex-girlfriend to his  current squeeze, changing shirts in the office in front of a young secretary, and hooking up with a female intern he'd met at a conference.

In my experience, sex is the last thing on the agenda at these events.

I remember a crusty  member of the Labour Cabinet asking me to go 'walking' with him at  a drinks do - I think he meant something more intimate than donning a cagoule, but I made my excuses and left.

Danish politicians (and their spin doctors) seem so much more seductive than our lot.

 Weighing in on jumbo jetsetters

An easyJet flight from Liverpool to Geneva was grounded recently - because the passengers weighed  too much.

Airlines calculate that men weigh on average 88kg and women 70kg - but on this flight there were 135 men and just 19 women, making the load about 300kg over the limit.

The airline offered £100 compensation if four men would disembark and take a later flight, but the sum wasn’t considered sufficiently attractive by those on board.

In desperation, passengers held an impromptu collection raising another £400 to encourage people to leave the flight. It eventually took off an hour and a half late.

Why don’t airlines weigh passengers (and our hand baggage)? They make such a fuss about what goes in the hold, it seems inconsistent not to.

  Stupidity by the bottle

Mineral water is an expensive con, and most restaurants willingly provide tap water without any fuss. Bottling water is bad for the environment, producing extra containers that need recycling, and has no health benefits that justify the cost.

Pure snobbery enables a company called Lux Drinks to market a 75cl bottle of plain water for £13, claiming it is 12,000 years old and 'harvested from Arctic icebergs off Newfoundland'.

The entrepreneur behind Iceberg Water claims this 'revolutionary refreshment' is so pure 'it's like drinking air' -  at £13 a bottle, hot air maybe.

Foodies claim water is the 'new wine' as dozens of varieties compete for our cash, but can it be environmentally sound to sail to the Arctic to collect water, and then ship it over the Atlantic back to trendies?

Mineral water is an expensive con, left, but some of the world's best hotels (including Ian and Carol-Lynn Robbins' Lauriston Court, right) are in Llandudno, according to Trip Advisor

So much for the Hilton, I'm off to Llandudno

Can the world’s best hotel be located just down the road from my Auntie Vi in Llandudno? According to Trip Advisor reviewers, the £70 a night (for a double room) seafront Lauriston Court hotel ranks top for personal service, beating 650,000 other establishments.

Maybe having just 11 rooms means you’ve got time to listen to customers — unlike the swanky Hilton in central Manchester.

When I stayed there recently after filming Countdown, I was forced to make three long trips down from the 18th floor to the reception desk at 10.30pm at night when my plastic room key didn’t work, and I couldn’t find a house phone.

At the reception desk, they just spewed out new plastic keys, and sent me on my way up 18 floors. Service?

The owners of Lauriston Court, Ian and Carol-Lynn Robbins, start work at 6.30am and are on-call 24 hours a day. That’s more like it.

The Lauriston’s décor may be a bit brash for my picky, minimalist taste, but I can live with a cacophony of contrasting patterns for £70 a night — including a full Welsh breakfast.

 Love your library

If you wanted to attract people to use local libraries, what would be your Big Idea? Famous authors reading their work? Writing workshops with local writers?

Midlothian council in Scotland are holding a Love Your Library Day on February 2 to encourage more people to use the service and have decided to hold a free pole-dancing class in their library in Dalkeith.

A spokesman said it was ‘a fun way’ of getting people ‘to try out all the services on offer and ultimately borrow more books’. Words fail me.




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