JANET STREET-PORTER: Dose of reality for NHS pen-pushers as Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt places civil servants in hospitals
Last week Andy Burnham was on the radio talking about the NHS being 'on a journey of improvement'.
It's a journey that, like a war, involves thousands of unnecessary casualties (20,000 according to one expert), continual blame-shifting, and endless analysis about what went wrong.
According to former Health Minister Andy, things have got better, because 'before Labour came to power in 1997, people were dying while they were on waiting lists'. Well, at least now they can die on a trolley in a corridor, or die lying unattended and starving in a ward with two nurses to every 25 patients.
Or maybe they can die because they've contracted a bug after entering a place where they are supposed to get better.
Haven't MPs got a unique way with the English language? Why a provider of a basic service - health care - still has 'lessons to learn' God only knows.
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In school, if kids fail tests, they resit them. If schools don't meet targets, they are taken over and heads replaced. In the NHS, it seems to be another story - senior staff multiply like Topsy, all on nice salaries and pensions, working on this 'journey of improvement', with few doing the decent thing and resigning when there's a catastrophe and unnecessary deaths.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, here pictured with dementia sufferer Monica Kneebone on the Marjory Warren ward at Kings College Hospital in London, is sending 2,000 civil servants to do placements in hospitals, old people's homes and doctor's practicesFar more gets spent on top-heavy administration than front-line action. I know a bit about how the NHS works for two reasons - first, my sister spent her last weeks dying of cancer on a mixed ward in an NHS hospital in Middlesex. At the very last minute, as she lapsed into unconsciousness, she was shunted off to a hospice. She kept a horrific diary of her experiences that led Gordon Brown and Patricia Hewitt to assure me that mixed wards would be soon be eliminated.
More from Janet Street Porter... JANET STREET-PORTER: I despise the nanny state - but it's the only cure for Fat Slob UK 02/06/13 Wrinklies, rise up! Attacked for stealing the young's jobs and patronised by politicians. We oldies, says JANET STREET-PORTER, unveiling her Grey Power Manifesto, need to fight back... 31/05/13 JANET STREET-PORTER: Watch out... soon GPs will ban patients altogether! 27/05/13 Janet Street-Porter: 'Experts say I'm common but I'm just not bovvered! It hasn't held back David Beckham or Adele' 19/05/13 'Yes, I'm a Nimby. And proud of it!': JANET STREET-PORTER cheers on the Not In My Backyard brigade and snubs wind farms 13/05/13 Janet Street-Poter: We'll all have to cough up for Dave's betrayal on booze 'n' fags 05/05/13 How many of us ever thank those who shaped our lives? In these witty yet surprisingly tender letters, JANET STREET PORTER says: Thank you for making me the nation's favourite big mouth 03/05/13 JANET STREET-PORTER: Hand back our bus passes and TV licences?! You must be joking, Iain Duncan Smith 28/04/13 As Sharon Osbourne leaves Ozzy behind, Janet Street-Porter says there are four words a wife should never trust: 'I promise I'll change' 21/04/13 VIEW FULL ARCHIVEThat's turned out to be a journey about as long and convoluted as taking a bus from St Ives to Hartlepool. Every successive government says it's taking action, but all over Britain mixed wards linger on. The hospital concerned threatened to sue me, held an inquiry about my sister's allegations, and not a single person was ever sacked.
The second reason I know how the NHS operates is because I spent two weeks in Barnsley Hospital as a nursing assistant for a television series. I worked normal shifts, through the night. I laid out a dead body, helped deliver babies, dealt with a junkie in A&E and drunken relatives on the labour ward. I fed old people unable to fend for themselves and dished out bedpans.
It turned out to be an eye-opener. It left me with utter contempt for 90 per cent of those in authority and total respect for nurses and assistants on the front line trying to adhere to ridiculous targets, dealing with mountains of unnecessary paperwork generated by their office-bound bosses, who in turn were jumping to Whitehall's every whim.
Now, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has decided that civil servants in his department will be leaving their comfort zones in Whitehall, and sent to discover how the NHS works at first hand. From next month, 2,000 are to go on work placements in hospitals, old people's homes, and in doctor's practices.
Today, Sir David Nicholson, the chief executive of the NHS, faces another grilling from MPs - a man in charge of a service that has seen death rates increase and life expectancy drop to below that of comparable countries. If he were running a FTSE 100 company, he would have fallen on his sword long ago.
The Government has another review underway - this time into high mortality rates - and Hunt says he wants a 'zero-harm culture' in which every mistake is regarded as unacceptable.
Forget the trendy jargon, what patients want is simple - care, consideration and reliability.
The only way to achieve that is for the pen-pushers to get out into the jungle and see for themselves.
Hopefully, Jeremy Hunt's initiative will be emulated by other Whitehall departments, because, unless politicians re-connect with ordinary people who use public services, they're finished.
WHY BOSSY WOMEN RULE THE ROOST
My favourite bossy women on television are Sherrie Hewson's patronising manageress Joyce Temple-Savage in ITV's Benidorm and Dragons' Den lady Hilary Devey, whose new series, The Intern, starts on Channel 4 next week.
I would do almost anything to get a walk-one part in Benidorm. Filming starts shortly on a new series, and I dream of playing a nasty travel journalist who reviews package holidays. Sadly, my phone hasn't rung, so I will have to turn up at the Solana uninvited and risk Joyce's wrath.
Sherrie Hewson's patronising manageress Joyce Temple-Savage in ITV's Benidorm,, left, and Dragons' Den lady Hilary Devey, rightAnother telly Diva, Julie Goodyear, appeared on Desert Island Discs yesterday, revealing that Laurence Olivier was desperate to appear in Corrie as a tramp so that Bet Lynch could chuck him out of the Rovers Return.
In Hilary's new show she gives young hopefuls a week as an intern to prove themselves. I don't think I'm brave enough. Hilary says she doesn't get depressed, and if she feels down she gives herself a slap: ‘I've got absolutely nothing to bloody moan about.'
What a role model.
NANNY JO KNOWS BEST FOR ADULTS, TOO
Supernanny Jo FrostLast week I met Supernanny Jo Frost - or rather I was granted an audience with the woman who talks like a Tannoy (I know I do, too, before you all tell me) and doesn't take no for an answer.
Jo, who invented 'the naughty step', is a formidable presence whose practical advice on parenting has helped women all over the world. She lives in LA, has loads of celebrity clients, and is planning a new TV series sorting out problem families.
Her new book, Toddler SOS, is subtitled Solutions For The Trying Toddler Years. Reading it, I realised this no-nonsense advice can be applied to any confrontation with a partner.
Sticking to a schedule, for example, Jo says: 'Give clear notice. 'In five minutes we have to leave.' This prepares the child for change. If he starts to play up offer choices to move forward: do you want to put your coat on or shall I?'
My goodness, has she been living in my house? I loved the section entitled Squabbling In The Car - we cannot drive for more than 45 minutes without one getting out and screaming at the other.
I plan to carry a mat to use as a naughty spot, and I'm compiling her emergency car kit: water, wipes, dried fruit and snacks. As Jo says: 'A hungry traveller is a crabby one.'
I think Michelle Obama is a secret Jo convert - she told Vogue in a recent interview she is 'training' Barack to pick up his clothes. Go girl!
TALKING SHOES ARE A STEP TOO FAR
Google's talking Adidas shoesGoogle and Adidas have unveiled a prototype trainer, containing a mini-computer with a speaker, which comments on your progress - or lack of it. The idea of 'talking shoes' is horrific: imagine the embarrassment if you run out of puff jogging and sneak off for a coffee and a bun. Big Brother footwear could announce 'that's just NOT good enough!' to everyone in the queue.
Cars already tell us (with annoying whining bleeps) if lights have been left on or we're driving within a yard of anything. Now, Google is working on glasses that includes a phone, and Apple is developing an iWatch phone that sends messages.
Appliances are already too complicated for my liking. How many options can washing need - has anyone ever used 'worn once'? What about the 'bagel function' on toasters, or all the settings on driers - what's 'cupboard dry' or 'freshen up'? Surely dry is dry? Some vacuum cleaners even boast a 'flexi crevice tool' - in my prehistoric world, isn't that a nozzle?
The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has been somewhat eclipsed by the arrival of a new Pope - perhaps his advisers thought a revealing interview would boost his image.
Telling us his father was an alcoholic and worrying that this behaviour can be inherited doesn't impress me. He says his wife 'keeps an eye' on his drinking. Like the Archbishop, I've lived with people who drank way too much, and asking someone close to act as your policeman never works.
A brawl in one of the hostelries inside the Houses of Parliament selling subsidised alcohol ends with an MP arrested and spending a night in custody. MPs can get sloshed all day long on the cheap - they don't have to go to a supermarket for discounted booze. According to Eric Pickles, these bars must be shut down. I agree.
