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Gareth Bale is a diver... stop the excuses! Why only call Luis Suarez a cheat? - DES KELLY

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The moment the supremely accomplished British footballer Gareth Bale falls over an imaginary leg during a match, it sparks outbreaks of copycat behaviour right across the land.

Not on our football pitches, but in the nation's television studios and press boxes as pundits trip over themselves, too, in a desperate hunt to find excuses for the player’s behaviour.

Rather than condemn Bale as  a cheat and a diver, every euphemism in the lexicon of Footballspeak is dutifully offered up in an attempt to excuse his deeds.

Falling down (again): Gareth Bale was booked for this dive against Inter Milan on Thursday night

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Accordingly, we are informed that the Spurs player:a) Goes down easily. b) Travels at such speed the slightest contact can affect him.c) Is often merely trying to avoid injury.d) Has an inner ear infection that causes him to lose his balance.e) Was momentarily caught out by the rotation of the Earth.

The ITV pundits examining Tottenham Hotspur’s victory over Inter Milan called on a selection of these alibis, but the remarks essentially amounted to little more than an admission that while Bale might be a diver, nobody wanted to call him a cheat out loud because he’s a pleasant lad and he scores marvellous goals.

But no such courtesies are accorded to Uruguayan Luis Suarez. When he tumbles over nothing and waves his arms about appealing for a foul, he’s slated as a cheat. Not with any subtlety, either, but in great big headlines usually proceeded by the word ‘filthy’ and followed by an exclamation mark.

Even when excuses are offered up for his behaviour, phrases such as ‘he dives because he’s adjusting to the Premier League’ are usually wheeled out.

The subtext here is Suarez only cheats because he’s a foreigner. The chap’s from Uruguay, you see? I mean, you could probably stand around for long enough in South America and see people doing that sort of thing on the streets. Those pesky Latinos just don’t understand the British game.

It is a lousy argument. Suarez isn’t doing anything different to Bale. There is no ‘cultural divide’ on diving. Even if Bale dispatches himself over an invisible boot and forms a very British queue ofone in front of the official to politely insist a molecule of air brushed his ankle and caused hispersonage to topple over, it is still cheating.

Reputation: Luis Suarez has been vilified for diving, but the Liverpool striker has cleaned up his act

Hotshot: Luis Suarez in training at Melwood alongside Steven Gerrard and Brendan Rodgers on Friday

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We just treat the players differently. We choose to vilify the foreigner.

When Suarez and Bale meet on Sunday at Anfield, there is a distinct possibility it could resemble an episode of the primetime show Splash! if the pair parade their least admirable skills.

But it is worth pointing out that while they are playing at a level right now that puts them in contention for the Player of the Year award, only one of them has made an effort to clean up their act.

Suarez is no longer the arch-villain of the Premier League. As things stand — and it certainly makes a pleasant change when he does — the Uruguayan appears to have heeded the entreaties of his manager Brendan Rodgers and senior figures in the Liverpool dressing room to cut out the antics and concentrate on applying his talents.

Bale, however, continues to try his luck and the patience of officials.

His yellow card in the Europa League tie against Inter was the sixth he has collected for diving in the past 15 months and the fourth this season.

I doubt there has been a player in the game that has had half a dozen cautions for ‘simulation’ in that space of time, not even Cristiano Ronaldo during his formative ‘showpony’ years.

But Spurs manager Andre Villas-Boas admitted he was pleased Bale was booked. This meant he was clear of cautions for the competition’s latter stages, and he added: ‘With this result we would have asked him to get the yellow card to be clean and ready for the last eight.’

Yes, the manager was glad his player cheated.

Going down: Bale has earned four bookings for diving this season alone - and six in the last 15 months

In fact, if he hadn’t cheated by diving, he’d have asked him to cheat another way ‘to clean it all up’. Anyone else need a shower?

LAST WEEK: American basketball star and mobile staple-gun target Dennis Rodman visits North Korea to meet dictator Kim Jong-un and ‘promote world peace’. 

THIS WEEK: North Korea threatens to launch a  pre-emptive nuclear strike on the USA in time, possibly as soon as Monday. 

We can only pray Rodman does not have any imminent plans to visit the Middle East.

 

Chelsea are currently testing a new missile on behalf of the North Koreans. It is called the Torres. It doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.

Just as depressing are those who seek to justify this pathetic charade as ‘part and parcel of the game’.

The usually sensible Gary Neville, a hugely experienced defender and now a Sky Sports pundit, had this to say: ‘If you are disgusted by Bale diving, go sing in the choir, go play the violin, or play the recorder.’

Actually, I’d even pick up the infernal bagpipes rather than be forced to accept that kind of cheating as the norm.

We know it happens, we see it in every game, but that doesn’t mean — to extend Neville’s strange  analogy — we have to beat a drum for it.

Coming over all worldly wise and claiming the rules don’t really matter in this cynical age is simply preposterous.

There has to be some honour in sport, otherwise it is irrelevant and futile. It doesn’t matter what the excuses are, it doesn’t matter where the participants come from, a cheat is a cheat and we should always say so.

 

Hopefully they don’t serve horse meat at Old Trafford, but in midweek they certainly dished up a huge ham. Jose Mourinho stepped into the so-called Theatre of Dreams and put on the worst acting performance since… whatever Madonna’s last movie was.

He pouted, he played the statesman and grandly announced ‘the best team lost’ before heading back to his dressing room in a puff of face powder. It was a show designed to convince the Manchester United hierarchy that he can be trusted not to start a civil war, as he has done at all his other clubs, if he were ever made boss at Old Trafford. We’ll find out if they have been taken in. One day.

More ham than Tesco: Jose Mourinho put on a show at Old Trafford on Tuesday night

  Paul Gascoigne is leaving his drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinic after just one month. Either Gazza has been a model patient and is now equipped to fight his addictions, or it is all horribly premature.

Of course, we wish him well. But we know he is leaving because the story appeared in a national newspaper, possibly in return for a few bob.

Next comes the interview where he vows to ‘never touch the stuff again’, followed by some mawkish TV chat-show slop.

Then the days and weeks will pass, the fuss will die down, Gascoigne will be left to his own devices and, despite all the good will and his absentee benefactors, the miserable cycle will start again. 

I hope I’m wrong but I fear not.

The 2022 con is on

Football is a wonderful sport. The trouble is it is often presided over by duplicitous, deceitful charlatans. To save time here, let’s just call these people ‘FIFA’.

When this governing body handed the Arab state and outdoor barbeque known as Qatar the rights to host the 2022 World Cup finals, nobody could discern why.

With temperatures averaging 41°C in the summer, players always faced the prospect of spontaneous combustion should they risk anything as strenuous as running after a ball.

So the Qataris’ original proposals to counter the heat included air-conditioned stadiums covered by floating inflatable sun shields, and other fanciful schemes such as towing the planet further away from the sun for a month.

But FIFA seem to be inexorably heading towards a much more mundane solution. They’re going to shift the entire competition to the winter instead, destroy every domestic league programme in the process, and pay all those involved enough cash to keep their mouths shut about it.

FIFA categorically said this was not an option before the vote. Now it’s being peddled as the only solution to a problem they created themselves.

It’s a scandal. A massive, multi-billion pound con trick. And, like the best swindles, it will take place in full view and we’ll still all wonder how it happened.

 

Sir Alex Ferguson could be fined by UEFA for not attending the mandatory Champions League press conference after Manchester United’s controversial defeat by Real Madrid.

It was probably wise on his part, since  he would have racked up a greater fine sounding off about Nani’s dismissal than his self-imposed silence may cost.

But, for the entertainment value alone, it was a shame. Especially when you hear Fergie’s talent for delivering a well-timed insult.

Asked about Chelsea’s interim manager, Rafa Benitez, Ferguson replied: ‘I’m not going to kick anyone when they’re lying down. It’s not my style.’

Not kick anyone? That boot was higher than Nani’s.

Sly as ever: Sir Alex Ferguson at his press conference at Carrington on Friday morning

  Becks deserves same credit as corner flag

Did you see all the coverage chronicling the efforts of a Champions League hero?

‘Beckham flies flag’ cried a giddy headline this week, betraying the sort of blind fandom even Justin Bieber would find excessive.

It referred to French tourist and minimum wage temp David Beckham. He received the plaudits as Paris Saint-Germain, the club he has adopted for 20 weeks, reached the quarter-finals following a draw against Valencia.

Benched: David Beckham played no part in PSG's progress to the Champions League quarter-finals

According to one report, he was the ‘centre of attention’. If you even bothered to make a cursory examination of the facts, the total idiocy of this remark became as transparent as Posh Spice when held up to the light.

Beckham remained on the bench throughout and played no part whatsoever in the entire 90 minutes of the match.

Yet he was still said to be ‘flying the flag’.

On that basis, you might argue the corner flag also deserved a mention for its part in the victory. At least it was on the pitch.

  More... Suarez vs Bale: Two Player of the Year favourites go head-to-head on Sunday - but who's better? Something for the weekend: Old Trafford casts shadow over Suarez v Bale... Harry's ready to put the jitters up relegation rivals... and what price Barnsley to upset Man City? Charged! Arsenal fan who threw banana at Bale will appear in court I'm GLAD Bale was booked! Star man will miss Inter return leg after 'dive'... but boss AVB is pleased










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