Dear Zelda: Our agony aunt answers your problems including marital hell, perfectionist mums and work relationships
My husband has treated me badly for 27 yearsOn our wedding day my husband refused to dance with me, and after the reception announced he was going to bed and that I should open the gifts with his brother. A few weeks later, he told me he had ‘got off’ with another woman, but then he said it was a joke.
He continued to ignore me, so I began spending time with his brother and we had an affair, but I ended it after a few months. The guilt ate at me, and eight years later I told my husband.He was calm, and never mentioned it again or said anything to his brother. Friends told me this was because he had been cheating on me.Shortly after our first daughter was born, I discovered he was having an affair. He hasn’t treated me well, which I accepted, as I deserved to be punished.Now, 27 years on, he only looks at me with disgust and sex is nonexistent. I love him and want to make it work.What you describe sounds like a highly emotionally abusive relationship, yet you don’t seem to realise it. That makes me wonder if as a child you were criticised and shown little love. Or maybe you were made to feel so guilty about any misdemeanours that you felt any punishment, however harsh, was justified.
It was foolish to have an affair but you married a man who showed you little attention or love, and you don’t deserve to be punished 27 years later.
It doesn’t sound as if he loves you and he is still rejecting you in every way. Have joint counselling with Relate (tel: 0300 100 1234, relate.org.uk). If he refuses to come, nothing is going to change. Don’t you think you deserve a better life?I keep ending up with his brotherI am a woman in my 20s and I have a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with my best mate’s brother.
I treasure my relationship with my best mate, but when I am at his house I always end up with his brother. He said he doesn’t mind, but I don’t want to ruin or lose our friendship.I just can’t help myself around his brother. Neither of us wants anything serious, so it is the perfect situation until we find someone we truly care about.
Obviously you fancy your best friend’s brother, but it appears to be a relationship based purely on sex – which tends to be what ‘friends with benefits’ are all about.
You are not dating or getting to know each other, and only want to see one another until someone else comes along.
If you are going round to see your best friend, then ending up in his brother’s bedroom, I really don’t think it’s a good idea.
He may be saying it’s OK, but if it continues I think it will damage your ‘best friend’ relationship. Also, sex with little or no emotional connection is rather empty, and not worth losing friends over.Is it wrong to flirt with her?There is a woman at work who I am very attracted to.
Problem one: She is married, so is technically off limits. Problem two: I feel sorry for her because she had a rotten childhood.We are quite flirty, but she turned down my invitation to coffee and instead asked me to be in a play she is producing. I said yes at first, but then took a common sense pill and declined.I find having little contact with her very hard. Her husband has been seeing another woman. I don’t blame him, as she is incredibly hard work. They are now trying to sort things out.This woman sounds vulnerable to an affair, and I do hope your common sense pill stops you taking things further.
Affairs frequently happen because of marriage problems, and, rather than trying to sort them out, people often find solace in other relationships.
If you had an affair with her, you would be stepping on a minefield. First, she is married; second, she could fall in love with you or you with her only to find she won’t leave her husband.
He could find out, then rather than trying to repair the marriage, it could end in divorce, which would be devastating if there are children involved.
Relationship healing: Why perfectionist mothers can make their children over-anxious
Oliver James discusses why perfectionist mums cause problems for their children later in lifeKaren set herself impossibly high standards and would become furious with herself for every mistake. Even when she achieved her goals, she felt dissatisfied.
‘Depressed and anxious’ was her default setting. A recent study claimed that pathological perfectionism such as Karen’s is largely genetic.
This is almost certainly wrong. The truth is that hundreds of studies of genes have found little role for them in causing mental illness.
Such behaviour is usually traced to having an over-controlling and hypercritical mother. This can come from the best intentions yet it can cause harm.
One child in ten is exposed to hypercriticism, and can grow up to be plagued by anxiety.
Asked which words their mothers used to describe them, perfectionists use words such as ‘bad’ and ‘stupid’.
If you fear you are an over-controlling mother, a simple change you can make is, every time you are about to make a suggestion, to ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to say this?’Their behaviour was scrutinised and attempts to be independent were quashed. Their faults were highlighted but successes barely rewarded.
The child never felt pleased by their efforts. Withdrawal of love is only a mistake away, so the child thinks, ‘If I become perfect, my mother will love me.’
Love is then conditional on performance. If this pattern has been part of your life, don’t despair.
If you are a daughter, it will not help to blame your mother. If you are a mother, big change is possible.
While Karen did well at school, it was never enough. If she came second in a subject, her mother would ask why she hadn’t come first.
Sure enough, Karen’s grandmother had done the same. It was time to break the cycle. After 16 sessions with a cognitive analytic therapist, she was set free of her perfectionism. Now a mother herself, she is able to parent in a different way.
If you fear you are an over-controlling mother, a simple change you can make is, every time you are about to make a suggestion, to ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to say this?’
A weekend of a technique called ‘love bombing’ – giving the child a period of feeling loved and in control – can also change the pattern.
Oliver James trained as a child psychologist. His book Love Bombing – Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat is published by Karnac Books, £9.99*
