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BLACK DOG: Tories inflate their chances

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Asked about George Osborne's decision to let the Bank of England's new Governor, Canadian-born Mark Carney, pump more cash into the economy, one of the Chancellor's aides confided: 'It's simple: Carney's job is to turn on the printing presses and not turn them off until the recession is over.'

A cynic's translation might be: Cause as much inflation as you want if it wins us the next Election – we don't give a damn what happens afterwards.

David Cameron's obsession with The Smiths is such that he felt compelled to summon his best Morrissey impression and give a rendition of William, It Was Really Nothing at Downing Street.

Inflate: Chancellor George Osborne, left, and new Bank of England governor Mark Carney, right

The performance was for the benefit of ex-MP Louise Mensch's husband Peter – a rock manager who must have heard worse caterwauling in his time. 'It sounded as if he was singing about William Hague,' said a baffled Mr Mensch.

  More... How does Dave know he's in trouble? Boris wants to help him Blair heads for gold-rush Burma: Former Prime Minister opens new front to his personal empire after the junta relaxes its grip

A group of Tory chiefs who went to the HQ of polling firm Crosby Textor – set up by Cameron's tough Aussie campaigns supremo Lynton Crosby – had a pleasant shock.

They accidentally stumbled into the next door premises in London's Old Park Lane and found themselves staring into the, er, faces of two scantily clad bunny croupiers at the Playboy Club. How very Australian.

Kwasi's prospects are booming...

Old Etonian: Conservative MP Kwasi Kwarteng

Conservative MP Aidan Burley is not among fans of multi-millionaire would-be party leader Adam Afriyie.

Burley told Ghanaian-born Old Etonian Tory MP Kwasi Kwarteng, self-styled 'black Boris', author, wit and tax-cutter: 'We could well have a black leader, but his name isn't Afriyie.'

'Really?' replied quizzical Kwasi, pictured. 'No, it's Kwarteng,' said Burley. Man-mountain Kwasi let rip with a booming baritone roar.

At last it's official: MPs haven't a clue what they are doing. Green Party MP Caroline Lucas reveals: 'When the bell goes for a vote and everyone's rushing over, the conversation is always, 'What are we voting for?'

'I've seen people being pushed physically into the Aye or No lobby with absolutely no idea what they're voting on, which is a scandal.'

John Hayes, the outspoken Tory kicked out as Energy Minister for insulting windfarm fanatics and appointed Cameron's Commons 'troubleshooter', is not everyone's idea of the best person to mind the PM's back.

When Hayes set up the Tory 'Deep Blue' dining group for young MPs, the first guest speaker was a top pollster. His subject: 'Why Boris Johnson is a natural leader of the Conservative Party.'

No one could accuse super-cool Tory Kulveer Ranger – Boris Johnson's former transport aide who made a success of 'Boris Bikes' – of a false sense of modesty.

Whenever Ranger, a Sikh tipped to become Britain's first turbaned MP, visits London's Ivy Club, frequented by Kevin Spacey and Kate Moss, the pianist strikes up the opening chords of Kulveer's 'signature tune' – the James Bond theme tune 'Dum di-di dum dum...'



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