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BEL MOONEY: Should I boycott my mother's wedding to this ghastly gold-digger?

/li> DEAR BELI’m 44, married for 23 years, with four beautiful children. I love family life and have a happy home.

My brother has young children and is also very happy — although when he was ten and I was 14,  our mother left home for another man.

It was fine because we still saw her and were happy with our lovely dad, who is always there for us. 

I got to know Mum’s second husband and got on well with him — but they argued a lot.

'Should I have agreed to go to my mother's wedding and smiled for the photos even though I am not comfortable with the situation?'

Six years ago, when Mum was 60, he died of cancer (he was a drinker and smoked), and I know she’s been lonely and looking  for company.

She went on lots of coach holidays and last summer came home with the coach driver — who was with someone else at the time.

Within weeks he’d moved in with her and they were engaged. It was fairly typical behaviour for her: she is an only child and puts her own happiness before anything else.

My brother and I have talked, and my husband feels the  same way as we do — that this man is after Mum’s money, which she inherited from my lovely  nan and granddad.

This man we hardly know doesn’t even speak to some of his own children. He is also a smoker and backs horses regularly —  so he has a lot to gain from  the match.

They have booked the wedding for this autumn — the third time for both of them.

Mum and I have spoken, and though I would never fall out with her, our views on everything are so different. We speak daily and meet once a week, but we have nothing in common. 

She says I see things in black and white, whereas she lives for today and is going to grab at this chance of happiness.

I do want her to be happy. When my Dad remarried 22 years ago, I was over the moon for him.

Mum having a partner has taken the pressure off me — for example, when she was in hospital recently, I didn’t have to do anything.

She thinks I am too wrapped up in my family, while she is making plans for her wedding. If she says she is calling round, I think: ‘Oh no!’ It’s wrong to think that of your mum.

I have already made up my mind not to go to the wedding, but because I love your outlook on life I want to know if you think I have made the right choice.

My daughter wants to go. I’ve said this is fine, as her nan has always been good to her.

Am I being childish? Should I have agreed to go and smiled for the photos even though I am not comfortable with the situation? SUSAN

Ah weddings . . . the cause of so much family stress. Over the years I’ve met different versions of your problem, usually caused by a family’s inability to accept a new partner.

Of course, there are also cases where parents feel convinced that their son or daughter is marrying the wrong person, and are forced to mask their misgivings with stiff smiles.

Either way, all those concerned  wish the dreaded wedding day  wasn’t happening.

    More from Bel Mooney...   BEL MOONEY: Even when I beg, my husband refuses to have sex with me 01/06/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I let my drunken, vicious ex-lover be a father to our baby? 24/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Can I cure loneliness by selling up to be near my new love? 11/05/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm crying out for love but can't escape this black hole of despair 03/05/13   BEL MOONEY: We haven't had sex for 19 years but I can't escape my cheating husband... 26/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I've nursed my husband through cancer but now I want to leave 19/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm in love for the first time but not with my husband... 12/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I feel guilty my son is in nursery all week so I can work 05/04/13   VIEW FULL ARCHIVE  

Yet you — like all those others — have to accept that it will happen and confront your own feelings.

Perhaps you should start by taking yourself back in time to when your mother walked out on her family.

Bravely you skitter over your feelings with ‘it was fine’ — when, of course, it was not. At 14, you almost certainly had to take care of your brother and your father, too.

The fall-out must have been very painful indeed. Your determination to find happiness in the creation  of a stable family life is the one positive outcome of your painful early experience.

Surely you can see that your mother leaving has everything to do with the way you now think, ‘Oh no,’ when she wants to pop round.

When you were 14, she cavalierly abandoned her mothering role to follow her desires. Is it so strange that you still look askance at this woman — a rather reckless 66-year-old — whose self-centredness has not lessened with age? 

It’s only ‘wrong’ to think bad thoughts about your mother if she has proved herself worthy of that honourable title. All of us have to be aware of the consequences of our actions.

Your mother would not have the insight to see it this way, but your absence from her third wedding, would only be — to put it bluntly — payback time.

So my answer to your question, ‘Am I being childish?’ is, ‘Yes, but in an understandable way.’

Of course that 14-year-old child is still inside you, still hurting, still believing that what your mother is doing is wrong and resenting the fact that you may well have to pick up the pieces all over again.

Having said all that, I may surprise you by adding that I think it would be wiser, as well as kinder, for you not to boycott her wedding. 

‘Wiser’ because you cherish the idea of the family, which is why you are so shocked that this new man isn’t in contact with some of his children.

That being the case, you know  it would upset you deeply were you to lose all contact with a woman about whom you have such mixed feelings.

Imagine if she withdrew from you, and then you heard on the grapevine that he was treating her badly. You’d feel so guilty for abandoning her — as she once abandoned you.

Personally, I think your mother is unwise to rush into marriage with this chap. Why aren’t these wild, mature types contented to live in sin in the old-fashioned way?

That way you keep your house and money in your own name, and can continue to enjoy the romantic raciness of a new fling. It makes such sense — but I guess sense isn’t your mum’s strong point.

Wisdom apart, we’re left with the precious quality of kindness. This man might turn out to be a good egg and make her happy — which is what you want.

Therefore, since there are no signs that she’ll change her mind  about the wedding, I believe you and your brother and your families should all turn out to wish her health and happiness.

Buy a new dress and wear an equally bright smile on your face.

Your absence would cast a shadow over the day, turn him against you and remove her to a defensive position that will be hard to breach. Then, if things were to go wrong, you wouldn’t be ‘near’ enough to pick up on problems and move to help.

I think it would be kinder to her and to yourself to be in those wedding snaps.

  My daughter's boyfriend is cheating on her

DEAR BELMy husband died two years ago and, after 37 years together, I am still lost  without him.

My dilemma is this: my daughter’s boyfriend is a soldier and recently I found out that he has been on dating websites looking  for women.

She’s had trust issues before and after seven years he still has not made a commitment to her.

He lives with her (when he’s home) in a flat that my husband I and bought for her.

Now, her Dad would have had him out on his ear.  I can’t show her my evidence, as it would break her heart, but I plan to confront him by text while he’s at camp. 

His reaction will be to say he won’t see me again or else he’ll explain it away with: ‘Only a bit of fun and all the squaddies do it.’

Honestly, by all means if you’re an 18-year-old in the dust of Afghanistan, but not a 30-year-old man in a long relationship.

It was my niece who showed me the dating site and her mum (my sister) has said she would be willing to show my daughter his profile on the site.

But it would destroy her. Oh my poor girl, she deserves so much better.

I know I must do something and she won’t thank me, but I can’t let this go on, can I? LILIAN

No one ever wishes to be the bearer of bad news, yet there are times when we cannot shirk the burden of honesty.

In your situation I, too, would quail at the prospect of inflicting such terrible hurt on my daughter — and probably becoming the recipient of her anger, too.

‘Don’t shoot the messenger’ is a saying rooted in the reality of human responses.

It’s particularly hard for you because you miss your husband so much and  know he would have been a support to you as well as stalwart in his protectiveness of your daughter.

'My daughter's boyfriend is a soldier and recently I found out that he has been on dating websites looking for women.' (File photo)

Yet I must point out that even he couldn’t have had jurisdiction over the flat and chucked out the boyfriend.

Your daughter is of an age (I’m assuming she’s about 30, too) to be in control of her own life.

Turning on the boyfriend would surely only arouse her defensiveness and may make things worse.

But, no, you can’t let this  go on. It seems to me that this is certainly a time for  the extended family to  rally round and help, leaving you to be the one who offers comfort.

In your position I would definitely agree that your daughter’s cousin and aunt join forces and have a frank talk to her about what they have discovered.

Not to do this would leave her to the mercy of this irresponsible cheat — and the two women are obviously indignant enough to be  given strength by their feelings of outrage.

It is never easy to watch someone crumble in shock, and yet morally I do not see an option. In your longer letter you say some very kind things about my memoir, which is (ultimately) all about forgiveness.

So you know that I tend to give people the benefit of  the doubt.

But you tell me that your daughter has had problems with this man before, and it looks as if she will have her heart broken by him, later if not sooner. He needs to be confronted, but by her — not you.

Your sister should talk to her, then you should offer the gentle, but firm advice that it’s time she ended this emotionally abusive relationship in order to find another partner who values her as she deserves.

Then she should be the one to send him ‘out on  his ear’.

  And finally... A mission to rescue the past

Recently someone asked: ‘When you write your column, do you feel ... like … that you’re rescuing people?’

I replied: ‘We can only try.’ But I thought of it again two days ago when I went to Walton-on-Thames, Surrey.

My destination was a warehouse called Church Antiques. My mission was to rescue old stone.

I realise this wouldn’t be everyone’s idea of an exciting trip. But I’d been looking at the website for a long time  and loved the idea of giving a home to objects once loved and venerated.

Let others tear down old houses and give away Gran’s furniture — I take delight in the battered majesty of what’s old and weathered. This includes people, too!

Progress, modernisation, progressive ideas, blue-sky thinking, de-cluttering … such concepts pass me by.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.

Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Churches are ripping out the old pews and chapels are ditching traditional chairs in favour of shiny new seating which (they hope) will bring in the congregations.

A horrible new Bible of modernisers called Re-Pitching The Tent (by a man of the cloth, no less) seems to see this as an actual war against traditionalists like me, who love the old brass lecterns and crosses which have stood on the altar for generations.

So they end up in the Church Antiques warehouse, run by jolly people who decided years ago it was a shame for statues, crosses, pews and stone monuments to end up shattered in skips.

I spent what would have bought me a lovely dress on some small pieces of carved stone taken from the altar of St Augustine Priory in Abbotskerswell, Devon, home to a group of English nuns driven out of Belgium during the French Revolution.

The last nuns lived there in the Sixties and the lovely building is now a care home. Which is entirely good.

But it’s tragic the magnificent altar was ripped out to end up in a field in Devon, much of it broken.

So you see, this mission to rescue is actual and symbolic. And I think those nuns would approve.


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