Skip to main content

BEL MOONEY: My husband blames my cancer for his string of affairs

/li>

DEAR BEL

Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007, I finally got the all clear last year. However, there’s a black cloud on my horizon.

Three years ago, I discovered that my husband began having affairs a year after I was diagnosed.

I’ve known Adrian, my husband, for 30 years, and we’ve been married for 20.

For most of that time we’ve been happy and have two adored teenage boys.

Becoming suspicious of his behaviour and frequent trips, I read his emails  — and was so shocked.

He’d had several full affairs, and fallen madly in love with one woman.

They’re all about 20 years younger, so ‘mid-life crisis’ is right. Confronted, he admitted he’d been petrified of my illness and couldn’t help the affairs, which made him feel ‘alive and potent,’ when I was growing my hair back and was still very vulnerable.

He said it wouldn’t happen again, but it has never stopped.

Despite his denials, I know I live with a serial adulterer who won’t change.

We’re both devoted parents and I really don’t want the boys hurt.

But I think I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, to enjoy this chance of a second life, without being so unhappy. He knows I hate what he’s done to us and the liar and adulterer he’s become. 

He’s clearly unhappy and would prefer not to be married, though he says the opposite, claiming he wants us to stay together. He hates me mentioning his affairs, and says, ‘I don’t want to talk about that now’.

He shuts me down and a row will start if I persist, which (he says) drives him to other women. He calls my questions ‘moaning’.

We’re both 51, and Adrian has a well-paid, prestigious job, where he’s highly regarded. We’re middle-class and respectable and no one knows about his affairs. 

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a partner who wants to be with me and would never hurt me.

I haven’t worn a wedding ring for two years as I threw it away after finding out about my husband’s infidelity. He mumbled about getting me a new one, but we both know that won’t happen, don’t we?

I think of divorce — a lot. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. With no trust; I know in my heart that my marriage is over.

Do I use my boys as an excuse? What am I afraid of? What could be worse? By the way, I’ve told nobody as I don’t want anyone to judge him, which I know they would. 

I’ve borne the burden in tense silence, trying to talk to only him about it. Am I pathetic? Why do I protect him? Who protects me?

DEIRDRE

affairs revealed.jpg

This cry from the heart is very moving, and makes me (for one) long to protect you as you do indeed deserve.

No you are not pathetic but you are very, very sad, and unable to see a way forward, in the prison your marriage has become. Note that I don’t put, ‘a way out of the prison . . .’ That’s because I’m not persuaded that you do want out of this marriage.

Although separation and divorce would seem to be a sensible prospect, given all you have endured, something is telling me that you don’t want the marriage to end. I’m thinking that above all you want your husband to change — that you want your old one back, so that you can go on being devoted parents to those boys and still be together at all the coming stages in their lives. Am I right?

It seems truly terrible that having endured all the rigours of treatment for cancer you have seen one dark cloud turn into another, and been forced to confront abject weakness in the man you have loved for so long, which is even more painful and threatening as the physical weakness you had to contend with.

After last week’s And Finally drawing attention to Macmillan Cancer Care’s campaign to raise awareness about loneliness in cancer patients, I received a lovely email from JW, telling me about her experiences, and adding, ‘I found out, 12 months after diagnosis, that my husband had begun an affair immediately after my diagnosis. We are in the process of divorcing.’

No doubt much research has been undertaken into the way spouses react to a diagnosis, and infidelity is not uncommon. Be that as it may, your husband’s serial infidelities are intolerable. But breaking up a long marriage isn’t easy, you are right to consider the boys, and you protect his ‘good’ name partly because of the shame you feel at being the one who has, again and again, been made a fool of.

So what next? I know you will think it easy to say, but you simply have to confront Adrian in the right way, which means not being shocked, hysterical, reproachful, ‘moaning’ or any other (perfectly understandable) sort of reaction. No more flinging away of jewellery or angry phone calls to women who may pity or despise you. All that is victim behaviour. It’s time for strength, dignity and firmness.

What would happen were you to tell him calmly that as soon as your eldest reaches 16 you intend to tell him the truth, rather than go on living this lie? Adrian will protest of course, but then you’d point out crisply that it gives him under a year to put things right.

During that time he will let you have access to his phone and computer, and agree to accompany you to counselling. You have so much to discuss (including sex) and urgently need a third party to help. So go to Relate — and if you want to keep the marriage problems secret tell others that this is connected with the cancer.

If he refuses to keep the appointment you make, then inform him you are taking advice as to the best solicitor. If he agrees then tell him that you will be kind enough to go out shopping (around your birthday?) for a diamond eternity ring to take the place of the wedding band he made you throw away.

                 ****************************************************DEAR BEL

My good friend and colleague has just suffered the absolute tragedy of a stillborn girl at just under six months. This (first) pregnancy was pretty traumatic — but at every scare the baby kept hanging on in there.

Josie was then diagnosed with a complication and told the medical term was ‘incompetent’ — not exactly comforting and further increasing her sense of inadequacy as a woman.

She was told to lie down as much as possible but remained ever cheerful, never allowing herself and her husband to think their little girl wouldn’t make it. But her waters broke at 22 weeks and on 25 January she gave birth to little Marie — who died during labour.

I’ve been in constant contact but wonder if you have any advice on how friends can help and if you can recommend any groups that would bring her and her husband comfort?

All of us in the office are sad — but sometimes people find it very hard to know what to say. I’m afraid the men can seem particularly inadequate in this respect; one said to me yesterday, ‘Well it happens all the time, much more than you think, and she’ll get over it.’

She asked me to tell everyone so people wouldn’t ask her about the pregnancy once she comes back, but have you any advice that I can pass on to colleagues about what they should say?

ELIZABETH

Some popular words by the cleric and academic Henry Scott Holland are often read at funerals and memorials. I used to like the passage beginning, ‘Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away to the next room . . .’ — but less so now. It can offer much-needed comfort, yet it’s hard not to take issue with that first statement. Because surely death is Something? I prefer John Donne’s recognition of the solemn universality of mortality: ‘. . . any man’s death diminishes me.’

So now you tell me about the birth and death (in one) of a tiny baby girl and I feel affected, even though I have never met her parents. As one who has suffered this very particular form of bereavement (37 years ago) I have a powerful fellow feeling and long for others to understand their pain. To experience this one very small death is to duck through a miniature door and walk into an enormous room of disappointment, guilt and sorrow, where your voice crying, ‘Why?’ bounces off empty walls and ceilings and its echoes mock you forever.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.A pseudonym will be used if you wish.Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

The male colleague who expressed himself so matter-of-factly (for which I don’t blame him) might regard the above emotions as exaggerated, especially after so long. But I would have him know that you do not ‘get over’ such loss; you become accustomed to it as a part of your life, safely stored away in a special place. What most people fail to understand is that a stillborn baby is a real person to the mother and father who had invested so many hopes in that tiny, beating heart.

People’s inability to deal with grief is a subject I have written about many times. Barry Rutter, the actor, once told me in a Radio 4 interview that, after a cot death, his village neighbours would cross the road to avoid speaking to him about his baby son. Yes, especially the men. Yet how hard is it to say, ‘I was so sorry to hear what happened’? Thats all iot takes

All the bereaved person wants is for friends and colleagues to acknowledge that something of shattering significance (to the family) has occurred. To say nothing at all is to imply that this is not important.

A website that will be useful is that of The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (sands.org.uk), but I suggest you glance at it too, to gain some understanding. I think people must be forgiven for their ignorance, but only if they try to learn — and put it right. Then, when she comes back, put some flowers on her desk and just say quietly, ‘We’ve been thinking of you so much.’

      ***********************************************************************************

AND FINALLY: Deep pain behind this vile abuse

A while back I had a horrible email from a man whose wife thought something on this page mirrored her feelings, so cut it out and showed him.

The problem concerned somebody’s controlling husband. The man was livid and told me (among various insults) that I am ‘a parasite feeding off the problems of others’. At the time I thought: ‘Rather he took it out on me than on her.’

    More from Bel Mooney...   BEL MOONEY: Even when I beg, my husband refuses to have sex with me 01/06/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I let my drunken, vicious ex-lover be a father to our baby? 24/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I boycott my mother's wedding to this ghastly gold-digger? 17/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Can I cure loneliness by selling up to be near my new love? 11/05/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm crying out for love but can't escape this black hole of despair 03/05/13   BEL MOONEY: We haven't had sex for 19 years but I can't escape my cheating husband... 26/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I've nursed my husband through cancer but now I want to leave 19/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm in love for the first time but not with my husband... 12/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I feel guilty my son is in nursery all week so I can work 05/04/13   VIEW FULL ARCHIVE  

More recently I had an even nastier email. I don’t want to link the writer with any specific letter, but I will say that a communication from him was featured in the column — entirely sympathetically.

In fact, I’d expressed respect for his position and wished him well.

So I confess I reeled to receive abuse, which spat out this gem: ‘I suspect you have never got over your abandonment by J. Dimbleby.

In fact, he left you for more honourable reasons than most . . . but you could not forgive him. To compensate for your loss you’ve previously advertised the fact that you have “moved on” and you are now a cougar woman . . . oh dear.’

He goes on, ‘You are making a fraudulent living feeding off the sadness of those who write to you, when your own life is probably not far removed from the contents of the letters you read . . . You should be ashamed.’

Briefly wounded, I asked myself how any of us deal with the rage of others. A friend of mine was once treated with extraordinary rudeness by the woman serving her. So much so that she retraced her steps to say, ‘Look, you were so horrible to me just then I can only assume something bad is happening in your life — and I’m sorry.’

Whereupon the woman nodded and burst into tears.   I’m still amazed by the level of vitriol people spew out at others they have never met.

Where does this uncontrolled spite and rage come from? The only way you can console yourself for the nastiness is to assume people are deeply unhappy. Like the man who wrote to me.

Popular posts from this blog

Study Abroad USA, College of Charleston, Popular Courses, Alumni

Thinking for Study Abroad USA. School of Charleston, the wonderful grounds is situated in the actual middle of a verifiable city - Charleston. Get snatched up by the wonderful and customary engineering, beautiful pathways, or look at the advanced steel and glass building which houses the School of Business. The grounds additionally gives students simple admittance to a few major tech organizations like Amazon's CreateSpace, Google, TwitPic, and so on. The school offers students nearby as well as off-grounds convenience going from completely outfitted home lobbies to memorable homes. It is prepared to offer different types of assistance and facilities like clubs, associations, sporting exercises, support administrations, etc. To put it plainly, the school grounds is rising with energy and there will never be a dull second for students at the College of Charleston. Concentrate on Abroad USA is improving and remunerating for your future. The energetic grounds likewise houses various

Best MBA Online Colleges in the USA

“Opportunities never open, instead we create them for us”. Beginning with this amazing saying, let’s unbox today’s knowledge. Love Business and marketing? Want to make a high-paid career in business administration? Well, if yes, then mate, we have got you something amazing to do!   We all imagine an effortless future with a cozy house and a laptop. Well, well! You can make this happen. Today, with this guide, we will be exploring some of the top-notch online MBA universities and institutes in the USA. Let’s get started! Why learn Online MBA from the USA? Access to More Options This online era has given a second chance to children who want to reflect on their careers while managing their hectic schedules. In this, the internet has played a very crucial in rejuvenating schools, institutes, and colleges to give the best education to students across the globe. Graduating with Less Debt Regular classes from high reputed institutes often charge heavy tuition fees. However onl

Sickening moment maskless 'Karen' COUGHS in the face of grocery store customer, then claims she doesn't have to wear a mask because she 'isn't sick'

A woman was captured on camera following a customer through a supermarket as she coughs on her after claiming she does not need a mask because she is not sick.  Video of the incident, which has garnered hundreds of thousands of views on Twitter alone, allegedly took place in a Su per Saver in Lincoln, Nebraska according to Twitter user @davenewworld_2. In it, an unidentified woman was captured dramatically coughing as she smiles saying 'Excuse me! I'm coming through' in the direction of the customer recording her. Scroll down for video An unidentified woman was captured dramatically coughing as she smiles saying 'Excuse me! I'm coming through' in the direction of a woman recording her A woman was captured on camera following a customer as she coughs on her in a supermarket without a mask on claiming she does not need one because she is not sick @chaiteabugz #karen #covid #karens #karensgonewild #karensalert #masks we were just wearing a mask at the store. ¿ o