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I regret persuading her to take a lover

When I met my wife it was love at first sight. I have a highly paid job, we have three children, a great sex life, a beautiful home, nice cars and fantastic holidays. I have always been turned on when men flirt with her and thought about her having sex with them.

When we introduced this fantasy into our lovemaking it was very exciting. On my 40th birthday she booked a weekend away and arranged for a friend to join us; after a great evening she made love to my friend in front of me and then to me. It was incredible.

Now there are two guys she has sex with regularly – she tells me all about it and we then have sex (we always practise safe sex). I have been offered a big promotion, meaning I will frequently be working away. She plans to carry on seeing her lovers, but I am worried that she may end up falling in love with one of them. Should I take the promotion?

There are two options you could consider: that your wife agrees not to have sex with anyone while you are away. Or you decide that you too can have sex with other women, then tell each other all about it. I don’t recommend either, as you are already playing with fire.

Why on earth do you want to watch or hear about her having sex with other men? It diminishes the love you have for each other.

Don’t you feel jealous or worry that they are more exciting lovers than you? She could fall in love with either of these men. Agree to stop this foolish and degrading behaviour which is putting your marriage at risk. Then take the job and enjoy your lovely life.

My adored dad lied to me

My parents divorced when I was ten. I chose to live with my dad as I worshipped him, and my mum was heartbroken. My dad told me the divorce was my mum’s fault as she had cheated on him; I later realised he had cheated on her. He has never admitted it.

When I decided to be with my mum, he told me that he would never forgive me. He is now with another woman who has four selfish children.

My dad wants us to be one happy family, but I want nothing to do with them. I have spent years trying to earn his love, but the children just click their fingers and he goes running. Should I cut him out of my life for good?

Young children tend to see their parents as practically perfect unless things are really bad. But as children grow up they become more realistic. Your father has let you down.

The absolute golden rule when parents divorce is to put the children first, and never criticise the other parent in front of them, which makes it difficult to know who they can love and trust. Given what he has done and said, it’s unrealistic to expect you to be one big, happy family. Rather than cutting him off completely, you could meet him on his own infrequently or just keep in contact via email.

Why doesn’t she trust me?

I am 15. Recently I went to see my friend and we met up with some others. I updated my mum constantly to let her know where I was, but when I got home (five minutes late) she was angry with me.

What can I do to make her trust me? My dad was fine about it.

It can be difficult for mothers to let go and allow their teenage daughters more freedom. Five minutes late should not have been a problem, but don’t make it longer.

Talk to your mother with your father there. Try to establish guidelines about what they expect of you when you are out. They do need to know where you are and who you are with.

  If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.ukZelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally

  Relationship clinic: Sons and drinkers: coping with an alcoholic parent

On paper, the new Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has had a privileged path in life – Eton and Cambridge, then a well-paid job in the oil industry before leaving to train as a priest.

But, in fact, his childhood was far from easy. His parents divorced when he was three and he was brought up alone by his alcoholic businessman father, Gavin Welby. By the time Justin was a teenager, he was looking after his father, who died of a heart attack when Justin was just 21.

Justin has said: ‘It wasn’t an easy upbringing, to put it at its mildest.’ He found comfort in religion, but being the child of an alcoholic parent is incredibly hard.

One 18-year-old, whose mother drinks several bottles of wine a day, wrote to me: ‘My parents argue all the time. They don’t have any time for me.’ Teenagers with alcoholic parents need to talk to other adults so their concerns are not forgotten.

They require help to understand that they can’t be responsible for their parent, nor can they control or cure their problems. An alcoholic parent is unpredictable – loving one moment and absent the next. It is important for the child to see their friends and live their own life. They can contact Al-Anon (al-anonuk.org.uk, tel: 020 7403 0888), which runs support groups for families of problem drinkers.

 Justin Welby said of his father: ‘I lived with him, but I didn’t know him well. When he died I remember feeling a deep sense of waste.’ Long after his father’s death, Justin discovered that he had been married to another woman before his mother, had an affair with John F Kennedy’s sister and nearly married Vanessa Redgrave.

Many children of an alcoholic parent are so badly damaged that making a life of their own is very difficult. Luckily Justin overcame that, and survived further tragedy when his eldest daughter died in a car crash aged just seven months in 1983. However, he and his wife Caroline went on to have five more children and a happy family life, finding the strength to escape Justin’s troubled past.

ZELDA WEST-MEADS

 


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