Margaret Thatcher dead: For an impartial view, it's over to Arthur Scargill, says Richard Littlejohn

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The BBC has been finalising the arrangements for Mrs Thatcher’s funeral. Let’s hope the coverage is more balanced than the predictable Left-wing propaganda pumped out in the wake of her death. And that it manages to rise above the level of the Corporation’s dismal performance on the day of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee pageant. So what can we expect? This column has been leaked a copy of a confidential memo to staff from the BBC’s Acting Deputy Assistant Head of Ceremonial Affairs (Vision) . . .

  Item: Funeral of the Lady Thatcher, Wednesday April 17. Draft schedule.

The eyes of the world will be on the BBC next week and it is therefore imperative that we uphold the Corporation’s global reputation for excellence and impartiality.

Lady Thatcher was a divisive figure, however, and we have a duty to reflect all shades of opinion. We also have a sacred mission both to explain and entertain, so it is vital we take pains to make this event relevant to all licence-payers.

What to expect? The BBC has been finalising the arrangements for Mrs Thatcher's funeral. Let's hope the coverage is more balanced than the predictable Left-wing propaganda pumped out in the wake of her death

As those of you who have been involved in the planning of our coverage over the past five years, ever since we first realised the old bat had completely lost her marbles, our original intention was to have the broadcast anchored by a much-loved television personality from the world of light entertainment.

Unfortunately, Jimmy Savile is no longer available and Clare Balding is doing the racing on Channel 4. So the steering committee has decided unanimously that our lead presenter will be the ever-popular Tess Daly, from Strictly, who will reach out across the audience spectrum and attract younger viewers.

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She will be joined on the BBC’s bouncy castle at College Green, Westminster, by a rotating panel of completely impartial commentators, including Glenda Jackson and Polly Toynbee, who will be able to offer valuable insights into how Mrs Thatcher advanced the role of women in the workplace and where Pippa Middleton bought her frock.

Back at New Broadcasting House, Jeremy Vine, from the Jimmy Young Show, will be in our brand new virtual reality studio, providing his usual expert analysis.

Unfortunately, Jimmy Savile is no longer available. So the steering committee has decided that the lead presenter will be Tess Daly, who will reach out across the audience spectrum and attract younger viewers

Jeremy will be dressed as a Twenties coal miner and will ask Arthur Scargill for his considered view of the devastating effect Mrs Thatcher’s evil economic policies had on millions of working people.

I have instructed our computer graphics department to mock up Thatcher, in full battle-dress, driving a tank through a typical Northern village — Durham, Stevenage, anywhere ‘Up North’ will do — blasting homes and factories, and crushing screaming women and children to death.

(Memo to Sound: must remember to mix Hovis theme with Ride Of The Valkyries.)

As the funeral cortege makes its way along Whitehall, Matt Baker from The One Show will mingle with the crowds as they jeer Thatch on her final journey.

Can we put a bid in for that student from the ‘savage cuts’ demo and ask him his opinion? You know, that rock star’s son who was sent to prison for swinging on the Cenotaph. Bryan Ferry’s boy wasn’t it? No, on second thoughts, he’s the pro-fox-hunting oik. We don’t want him on.

Jeremy Vine will be dressed as a Twenties coal miner and will ask Arthur Scargill (pictured) for his considered view of the devastating effect Mrs Thatcher's evil economic policies had on millions of working people

When the procession reaches the re-enactment of the poll tax riots in Trafalgar Square, the Blue Peter team will be on hand to demonstrate how to make a petrol bomb out of a washing-up liquid bottle, some sticky-backed plastic and a litre of four-star. Tess will then cross to Belfast where Gerry Adams will lead the armoured division of the Provisional IRA in a 21-Kalashnikov salute to start the celebrations.

(Memo to Talent: can we book Riverdance for this?)

As the cortege continues down the Strand, it will pause briefly to allow members of the Tufnell Park Stop The Cuts and Hang The Bankers Collective to smash in the front windows of the Queen’s bank Coutts — where Thatch is believed to have stashed billions of dollars in bribes she got from rich American oil barons in exchange for destroying the British coal industry.

Back at the bouncy castle, Alastair Campbell and Russell Brand will give a reasoned perspective on the Thatcher years and explain why she should have been imprisoned as a war criminal for invading the Malvinas, which obviously belong to Argentina.

Back at the bouncy castle, Alastair Campbell and Russell Brand will give a reasoned perspective on the Thatcher years and explain why she should have been imprisoned as a war criminal for invading the Malvinas

Campbell will produce a dossier of new evidence, which he has just downloaded off the internet, about the sinking of the Belgrano.

(Memo to Producers: we should try to balance this with a Tory MP, preferably that mad one with the bad wig who wants to bring back hanging. The viewers will hate him. Better still, put a bid in for that loony racist from UKIP. Porridge, or whatever his name is.)

After that, it’s a live link to the garden party in Battersea Park where Fearne Cotton will talk to a spokesperson from Trans Media Watch about the influence Thatcher’s distinctive signature fashion style and extensive range of handbags had on members of the cross-dressing community.

Fearne will also talk us through some of the souvenirs on sale, including a novelty Mrs Thatcher sick bag into which you can vomit at the mere mention of her name.

After the choir sing Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead, the Right Rev George Galloway will read from the Book of Twitter, Psalms 3, Verse 4: 'May she rot in hellfire'

Tess is then joined on the bouncy castle by Ken Livingstone who will explain how Thatcher’s deeply divisive privatisation programme and council house sell-off forced some residents of Broadwater Farm to burn down their own estate and murder a copper. Don’t forget to play archive footage of Bernie Grant saying the police got ‘a bloody good hiding’.

Ken will then draw parallels with the ‘savage cuts’ being introduced by the Coalition which caused the protests in Tottenham and across Britain two summers ago.

(Memo to Sound: something by The Clash should do it.)

By this time the cortege will have reached Fleet Street, which was reduced to rubble by Thatcher and the evil Rupert Murdoch. Let’s have the usual police brutality at Wapping stuff and an interview with someone from the print unions. Tony Dubbins, is he still alive?

As the cortege climbs Ludgate Hill, we go over to Zippy and Bungle from Rainbow with a pack of Girl Guides in ‘Say No To Page 3’ T-shirts, all wearing grotesque Mrs Thatcher Spitting Image masks.

The coffin is carried into St Paul’s Cathedral past the recently reinstated Stop The City protest camp. Stephen Fry and Frankie Boyle take up the commentary. That vicar who writes for the Guardian explains why Thatch was the Devil Incarnate.

After the choir sing Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead, the Right Rev George Galloway will read from the Book of Twitter, Psalms 3, Verse 4: ‘May she rot in hellfire.’

Tony Blair will take to the pulpit and proclaim: ‘She was the People’s Prime Minister’ before being yanked off with a bishop’s crook by Gordon Brown.

At the end of the ceremony the congregation will file out to that well-known hymn Tramp The Dirt Down by the composer Declan MacManus, son of the bloke who used to sing on Thatcher’s favourite TV commercial I’m A Secret Lemonade drinker.

But even though this is solemn occasion, it is also a day of celebration. Our cameras will be there as effigies of Thatch are burned on hillsides across the nation.

In the evening, we will stage a Jubilee-style concert in The Mall. We had hoped Johnny Rotten would top the bill but he has inexplicably turned us down.

UB40 and Morrissey have accepted, but unfortunately Rolf Harris is not available on Wednesday.