After Beckham mania, Beckham madness.
Football men of otherwise sound mind are campaigning for dear old Golden Balls to be recalled by England. Yes, seriously,
These guys kicked off the lunacy the day after April 1 so the joke is on them.
They base this nonsense on their rose-tinted view of David Beckham’s 70-minute outing for Paris Saint-Germain in Tuesday’s Champions League match against Barcelona.
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Not up to the challenge: Beckham struggled against Andres Iniesta and Barca, despite what his cheerleaders may have saidNever mind that the game largely by-passed his sentry-like posting at the base of midfield, rather like the M6 going round Birmingham.
Not to worry that he could hardly run, let alone tackle. Nor that he gave the ball away for Barcelona’s opening goal and couldn’t have closed down a leaky radiator, let alone an opponent.
Beckham is as much a cult now as a brand and some of his most slavish followers have spent most of the week telling us that he ‘hit two or three really good passes.’
Wow. In only an hour and 10 minutes. Were you watching Mr Hodgson? We sure must hope so.
But just in case – and to prevent this being construed as just another case of Becks-bashing – let us seek a little perspective.
Running out of time: Beckham (right) should not be brought back by England No great shakes (the one on the right, anyway): Beckham greets Messi before the Champions League gameProceed with caution, Roy: Beckham was booked in his 70 minutes on Tuesday night
By applying The Beckham Proposition across the board you could come up with this alternative England team of international veterans still registered to play the game or who have retired in the last decade: 1 DAVID JAMES (aged 41) – Not old for a goalkeeper. Played in England’s last World Cup finals match, the 4-1 trouncing by Germany in South Africa 2010. Has just signed for Icelandic club iVB.
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2 GARY NEVILLE (38) – England’s most capped right back. Only recently retired at Manchester United. On Roy Hodgson’s staff and would be ideal player-coach.
5 JOHN TERRY (32) – still hoping for England recall. Still active on occasion for Chelsea.
6 SOL CAMPBELL (38) – Fanatical athlete who did not formally retire at Newcastle United until less than a year ago and could regain full fitness in no time.
3 GRAEME LE SAUX (44) – The thinking man’s left back. Naturally fit and still on the books as a player with non-League Wembley FC.
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7 DAVID BECKHAM (38) – Played after a fashion for more than an hour for in Paris against Barcelona on Tuesday night.
4 PAUL GASCOIGNE (45) – On the wagon after his near-death encounter with the booze. Looking fit and healthy again, thank heavens. Still the most gloriously gifted England footballer of recent times and surely still capable of more than ‘two or three really good passes’ in a big match.
8 PAUL SCHOLES (38) – Still the nimblest feet in the English game. Long-time virtuoso of England and Premier League midfield now back out of retirement at Old Trafford and making a significant contribution on sporadic appearances in important matches.
11 JOE COLE (31) – One-time boy prodigy sold short at Chelsea, Liverpool and in France. Back at his spiritual home West Ham and eager for a last chance to fulfil all the vaulting prophecies.
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10 MICHAEL OWEN (33) – Prolific goalscorer currently ploughing what he says will be his last-season furrow at Stoke. But would jump at the chance of playing for England again.
9 EMILE HESKEY (35) – Enjoyed goal-happy partnership with Owen at Liverpool. Fit to get back into that harness, having just signed a one-year extension to his contract with Newcastle Jets in the Australian League.
Total recall: If we're bringing Beckham back, why not go the whole hog and name a team featuring (clockwise from top left) golden oldies David James, Graeme Le Saux, Emile Heskey and Paul Gascoigne
Now there’s a team that could give anyone a game…for five or 10 minutes.
And that is exactly the point about Beckham in his playing dotage, after his seasons in that sunshine home in Los Angeles.
No, he can’t be blamed for milking it for all he’s worth. Not as the biggest cash cow in the game.
No, it is not his fault that he gets picked for young men’s games like the one against Barcelona. The culpability for that falls either on the man who makes the selection or his reasons for doing so.
Yesterday's man: David Beckham replaces Aaron Lennon on his last England appearance in 2009 - indeed, he has been on the England bench more recently in a non-playing capacity, at the 2010 World Cup (below) David Beckham on England bench 2010
