So spring has sprung, and the dark days of winter, God willing, will soon seem like a distant memory.
In TV terms, it’s the time of year when things start getting a bit frisky. Or should that be freaky?
Yes, Britain’s Got Talent is back. The annual jamboree of crazed unicyclists, manic magicians, pint-sized Pavarottis and – of course – dancing dogs returns to our screens next week.
Mad? Of course it is. And the assumption always was that it would get progressively more barking, in every way.
It's back! ITV's hit show Britain's Got Talent is back and the judges promise it's the best one yet
Last year’s show was famously won by Pudsey the dog and his owner Ashleigh, our very own Fred and Ginger.
No sooner had Pudsey won the trophy than he was off to Hollywood in a private jet, leaving behind a nation of dog owners looking at their own pooches and plotting.
For weeks, months, after the final you couldn’t move in a British park without getting in the way of someone trying to train Fido to do somersaults. Presumably they were all rushing home to fill in their BGT applications too.
So when Weekend catches up with the BGT judges after they’ve just finished filming all the auditions, it’s with a long list of doggie-related questions. Just how many wannabe Pudseys do we have in the running this year? And what amazing feats have they mastered? Surely by now Britain can produce a dog that makes tea? Or at least one that does a passable George Osborne impersonation?
Alas, there’s some shocking news. This year, Britain’s dogs are utterly devoid of talent, according to Mr Cowell et al. There are no dogs at all in the live shows, which seems to disappoint everyone.
‘There was one in the auditions but it was useless,’ harrumphs Alesha Dixon. ‘It came on and just stood there. My dog does better tricks.’ Amanda Holden is enough of a showbiz trouper to know it’s probably for the best. ‘I mean, you couldn’t top Pudsey, could you, really?’
Even Simon Cowell – a man who always has an eye out for the next big thing – seems a tad disappointed.
‘Maybe there really is only one Pudsey,’ he concludes. ‘So it’s right that we should be looking in other directions.’ At one point it did look like this was going to be the year that other animals got a look-in.
Talent: The annual jamboree of crazed unicyclists, manic magicians, pint-sized Pavarottis and - of course - dancing dogs returns to our screens next week
‘We did have a raccoon and a donkey turning up to the auditions,’ admits Alesha, cheering up for a moment. ‘Mind you, they were rubbish too.’
It’s a very fickle world, showbiz, but at least none of the judges has been culled this time around.
Simon does like to shuffle them – mostly to the point where it’s difficult to remember which judge goes with which audition show – but this year the status quo is being retained. Comedian David Walliams, who was brought in to replace that other comedian Michael McIntyre, seems to have earned his spurs.
‘David was a wonderful addition to the team,’ admits Simon. ‘He’s a raving lunatic, obviously, but he’s incredibly funny. His humour is a bit near the knuckle sometimes – he needs editing – but he’s very kind too. Audiences like him. And yes, I like him. It’s a really fun line-up.’
The editors really have had their work cut out with David. It sounds as though much of what he says on camera isn’t usable because it’s simply too rude. Has he been asked to tone it down? ‘No, not at all,’ David insists.
‘The great thing about this programme is that no one has ever asked me to be anything other than myself. It’s a tricky one because a lot of it isn’t suitable for a family audience, yet there’s a studio audience that needs to be entertained while we’re filming. So yes, a lot of it doesn’t make it out on air. It can’t on a family show.’
Winner: Last year's show was famously won by Pudsey the dog and his owner Ashleigh, our very own Fred and Ginger
The banter – ‘bromance’ even, as some have described it – between Simon and David has everyone intrigued, especially the female members of the panel.
Alesha explains, ‘I mean, people go on about girls being competitive, and they’re always trying to claim there’s some sort of rivalry between me and Amanda. Well, hello! This is where the rivalry is,’ she says, pointing at Simon and David.
‘These two are always in competition to see who can be funnier, camper, more insulting. Why? I think it’s because they both have enormous egos that need regular stroking. They both think they’re brilliant – which they are, obviously – but they need to have that confirmed.’
Actually, Alesha and Amanda’s description of the blokey (in a camp way, if that’s possible) behaviour makes them sound like schoolboys who need a good slap.
‘Oh yes, they’re always whispering about some girl they’ve spied in the audience, or being completely indiscreet about someone very famous,’ says Amanda. ‘They can be quite smutty. Filthy, actually. But it’s quite sweet too.
'I think at heart neither of them has many real male friends, so they’ve developed this sort of bond. And Simon likes someone who spars with him. Michael McIntyre was lovely, but David just takes the mickey. I think it’s good because you see a different side to Simon when he’s around. David makes him seem more human.’
Simon, being Simon, encourages rivalry on his judging panels, and this year the battle is between the sexes, it seems. ‘It’s much more of a girls versus boys situation this year,’ says David, ‘to the point where Alesha and Amanda actually walked out when we refused to let them put someone through.
Simon does encourage it though. He’ll send me a message in the morning saying, “Let’s wind Alesha up today.”’ The two women insist they’ve always got on but they concede that they’re very different characters.
‘We’ve definitely developed this solidarity though,’ says Amanda. ‘When you have these two guys vying for attention, it’s probably inevitable.’
What of the show this time round? If there are no dogs in the all-important live shows, what sort of acts are we going to see?
According to Alesha, the biggest strengths this year are in the groups. There have also been some surprisingly strong comedy acts, which cheers David.
No talent: This year, Britain's dogs are utterly devoid of talent, according to Mr Cowell et al
‘That wasn’t an area that was particularly to the fore last year, so it’s great to see,’ he says. Oh, and there are a few obligatory sob stories, which have left some of the judges in tears at the audition stages; others less so. ‘Alesha’s the person least likely to be affected by those,’ jokes David.
It’s agreed that Amanda is the softer one, the mother hen of the group. She’s the one endlessly showing off pictures of her children, and has taken up the role of chief cheerleader for David’s impending baby. ‘I think David’s going to be a wonderful dad,’ she says. ‘He’s a truly lovely person, kind and thoughtful, and quite deep.’
There is one topic all the judges love to talk about – Simon. They seem genuinely fascinated by him, and what makes him tick. Recent reports have suggested that he’s been upset by disappointing ratings for some of his shows (most recently Food Glorious Food), and his behaviour has become rather, well, odd. Amanda argues that his behaviour has always been odd.
‘Simon is Simon. What you see is what you get. If anything, I think he’s been more relaxed recently. He’s always been incredibly focused about the show, but he’s allowed himself to have a laugh.
'He can joke about himself. Sometimes you don’t know how far to push it, unless you’re David.’ Indeed, David admits he pushes it to the limit. ‘I do rib him about his ex-girlfriends and he’s fine with it. He has much more of a sense of humour than people think.’
David, of course, wrote the Comic Relief sketch that had Simon marrying himself, in which all the BGT judges had parts.
Glamorous: The judges are bringing some real glamour to the show this year
So does Amanda – who always wanted to be bridesmaid at Simon’s real-life wedding – think it a great tragedy that he’s once again single? She thinks for a bit. ‘No, I don’t think Simon actually needs to get married. It would be nice for him to find someone who loves him for himself, rather than wanting something from him, though.
'And I do worry about him being alone in his old age with no one to look after him. Maybe he’ll do a Michael Winner – and find love late.’ The late Mr Winner married an old flame, though, which gives Amanda even more hope of a happy ending. ‘Maybe he’ll get to 80 and marry Sinitta, and live happily ever after,’ she says cheerily.
Of course, the best person to ask about how odd Simon might be is Simon himself because – whatever his failings – he does tend to give you a straight answer. When the subject is raised it’s actually by him. ‘I’m reading some disturbing things about me being a recluse, like Howard Hughes, or being a basket case,’ he says, with a grin.
‘I can tell you that’s wide of the mark. I’ve been in meetings all day today and then I’m going to the theatre tonight. I’m not exactly hiding myself away.’
You can be a very public basket case, though. I decide to put what David was saying about his sense of humour to the test. How much of a basket case do you think you are, Simon, on a scale of one to ten? He laughs. Phew. ‘If five is about normal, I’m probably an 8.9,’ he reckons. ‘But who wants to be normal anyway?’
In business terms, he doesn’t seem remotely mad. Obsessive, sure. He may have taken quite a slating over Food Glorious Food, but he genuinely doesn’t sound as if he’s weeping into his pomegranate juice (it’s his favourite morning tipple).
‘Were they disappointing?’ he says. ‘I don’t think they were. When The Great British Bake Off started, they got two million viewers and it was perceived as a hit. We got just under three million and people are calling it a flop.
'Now, you’re never going to get the sort of huge viewing figures you get with The X Factor or BGT because this is a very different type of show. And it was a departure for me. But I still have faith in the show, and I think it will grow. It needs time to do that.
‘BGT was slaughtered at the beginning too. People called it a turkey. They were wrong. We’ve sold the format to over 50 other countries already, so it all depends on how you judge success too.’
When it comes to BGT, the public focus is obviously on the acts, while he is more concerned with the balance sheet. BGT, he says, is now Syco’s number-one entertainment product and, he claims ‘the biggest entertainment show in the world’.
Bigger than The X Factor, for his company? ‘Yes. They both make similar amounts of money, but the Got Talent format has been phenomenal for us and it’s broadcast in more countries.’
Which country in the world has the craziest contestants, though? Oh, that’s easy, he says. ‘Britain, every time. We do bonkers better than anyone else on the planet.