Je voudrais une baguette, deux croissants et trois cafés crème. Of all the sentences you expect to utter when you get to India, this really isn't one of them. But there I was in the bakery - sorry, boulangerie - at Pondicherry and standing across the counter from me were two South Indian women, strikingly elegant in silk saris, speaking French as their first language.
The local policemen wear kepis, and war veterans play boules in the evening on the Rue Dumas (road signs are in Tamil and English and made of blue enamel with white lettering) across from the Eglise de Notre Dame. They go on from there for a quick pastis or two at their club, Le Foyer du Soldat, at the entrance to which hang portraits of presidents of the Fifth Republic, from de Gaulle to Hollande.
Feast for the eyes: A magnificent temple at Mamallapuram, a World Heritage Site
The buildings in this part of town are all French colonial style. The sun has not quite set on this little outpost of the French empire. OK, so I didn't see men on bicycles wearing berets and stripy T-shirts and selling strings of onions, but in every other way could it get any more French?
By way of explanation, let me try to condense 350 years of history into one brisk paragraph. French get jealous of British wealth being garnered in India and think, 'We'll have some of that.' They need to find a seaport where they can land which isn't too well protected. Voila Pondicherry.
The Brits fight them off, the French fight back, and this goes on until the Brits are humiliated in the 18th Century. They are so busy preparing to fend off the French again at Pondicherry that they forget to protect Madras, the British headquarters in East India, and the French invade. At this point the Brits say: 'Give us Madras back and you can have these towns clustered in the south.' The French agree. The Tricolour continued to fly over Pondicherry until 1954 (interestingly, seven years after the end of British rule in India).
What you are left with today is an intriguing Indian town with a decidedly French accent: the French quarter is called La Ville Blanche and the Indian section is La Ville Noire. Both are well worth exploring.
Trunk tale: Jon is 'blessed' by an elephant at a shrine near Pondicherry
Pondicherry is dominated by the ashram set up in the Twenties by Sri Aurobindo and a French woman, Mirra Alfassa, known by everyone as 'The Mother'. She died in 1973, but the spiritual community continues to thrive. It has to be the biggest landowner in the town - the ashram occupies a good chunk of the waterfront and also includes a school, guesthouses, laundry and bakery.
Much of the ashram is closed to the public but the areas that are open reveal the deeply spiritual, beating heart of India. You leave your shoes at the door and walk through courtyards and alleyways where the smell of jasmine hangs in the air and disciples pray and practise yoga.
We stayed at the Maison Perumal, a delightful Tamil merchant's house which has been converted into a guesthouse-cum-hotel. There area handful of rooms built around a fragrant courtyard - trees grow up in the middle of the courtyard and a sprinkler system on the roof creates the effect of light, misty rain falling. Stained glass windows illuminate the area with wonderfully refracted colours.
The bedrooms are simple but stylish, with lots of dark wood and comfortable beds. There's a real feeling of tranquillity in an otherwise bustling town. The proud boast of Maison Perumal's chef is that his kitchen has no freezer.
Tres chic: Jon's daughter Anna in her sari
All food is bought from the market each morning, and given our position on the Bay of Bengal, there is a strong accent on fish. The food was delicious.
We then travelled 100 miles north to Chennai - or Madras as was - the capital of Tamil Nadu. There we stayed in an equally wonderful hotel - but it could not have been more different. If Maison Perumal was a throwback to an earlier age in Indian life, the ITC Grand Chola is 100 per cent proof that 21st Century India is a global superpower.
It has the very best of what you would find in the most modern and luxurious five-star hotel (actually it has far more than what you would expect to find) - but small it isn't. There are more than 500 rooms and plenty of fabulous restaurants, swimming pools and gyms. It's so vast you almost feel as though you need a map to find your way around.
It is also very Indian. The name, Grand Chola, harks back to one of the longest ruling Tamil dynasties in southern India. Architects have blended modernity with a layout in the public areas that is inspired by some of India's finest temples. A small army of craftsmen and women was employed to carve, chisel and inlay the acres of marble and wood.
But - and this is the trick they appear to have pulled off - it is not impersonal. There are butlers galore and nothing is too much trouble. If anything, we felt guilty when we stayed there that we weren't creating more work for our butler to do. 'Do your shoes need shining, Mr Sopel?' 'Would you like some tea?' 'Can I take your laundry?'
And through harnessing some very clever technology, you are made to feel that everyone knows you. The hotel has installed - and disguised - the arches you get at the exit to most highstreet shops. At the shops they make sure that you aren't pilfering; at the hotel, with your room keycard in your pocket, you walk through the doorway and behind a desk an impeccably turned out young man or woman will greet you by name. Their computer screen will have lit up with your name and room number as you walked past the electronic gizmo. Clever, if a little disconcerting.
French twist: Men throw petanque balls during a game of boules in Pondicherry
I am not a very technical person, but there are some other unbelievably neat touches. How often have you been in a strange hotel room and in the middle of the night crashed into the wardrobe, thinking it is the door to the bathroom? Or worse still, have you ever walked out of the room altogether only to find yourself now stranded in the corridor in the wee small hours?
At the Grand Chola, if you walk around your room at night, low-level lights illuminate the area where you're standing. For me though, the piece de resistance was an iPad in every room. If the bell to your room rings, rather than going to the door to see who is there - housekeeping, bed turning-down service - you look on your iPad. With the touch-screen you see who is there - and via the screen you can either open the door, or illuminate a 'do not disturb' sign outside. You also use the iPad to open and close your curtains, turn the lights on and off, adjust the room temperature, control the TV, order room service, and so on.
Oh, and don't 'accidentally' let the iPad fall into your bag just before you check out. If the device leaves the room an alarm is set off. I didn't ask whether there is similarly enhanced security around the towelling gowns and shower gel ...
There is so much to do in the hotel that it might be tempting never to leave - but that would be a mistake. Chennai is the home of Indian classical dance - it is exhilarating, energetic and graceful. We also spent one night at a floodlit Indian Premier League cricket match between the Chennai Super Kings and the Mumbai Indians.
It was hot, noisy, feverish with excitement and full of razzmatazz, though I never did quite fathom why there were blonde cheerleaders there. Lord's it isn't. Chennai is also home to the automotive industry in India, and it is where they still make Royal Enfield motorcycles. You can even tour the factory.
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Spirit of France: A French woman, Mirra Alfassa, helped to establish the town of Pondicherry in the 1920s
There are some truly astounding places to visit a short distance from Chennai. Mamallapuram, about 40 miles south of the city, is a series of temples full of intricate carvings, built on the sands overlooking the Bay of Bengal. It is a Unesco World Heritage Site and spectacular - once that is you have navigated a path through the hawkers, beggars, snake-charmers, gypsies, would-be guides and others just wanting to gawp at you.
Ditto Kanchipuram. This is also templetastic. It is considered to be one of the seven holiest sites for Hindus in India. It is also the town that claims to be the home of the sari. You can watch these fabulous silk garments being created in many of the shops - and, of course, you can buy.
We purchased a magnificent one for our daughter Anna, which she later wore to an Anglo-Indian wedding.
But then I became too adventurous.
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I decided I wanted a Nehru jacket. A tailor was summoned to the shop. He took out his tape measure and someone noted down the precise details. We discussed length, cuffs, number of button-holes, lining and trim. Drawings were made. And all for £35.
The tailor promised it would be delivered to the Grand Chola the following night, just before we flew home. And, true to his word, it was.
It was £35 brilliantly spent, because nothing has made me laugh so much - the sleeves were of different length, the button-holes were too small for the buttons, the trim was already fraying and the lining was lumpy.
Apart from that, I looked the perfect Indian gentleman.
Travel facts
British Airways (ba.com) offers return flights from Heathrow to Chennai from £618pp.
Greaves Travel (020 7487 9111, greavesindia.co.uk) offers a nine-night trip to India, staying at Maison Perumal in Pondicherry, the ITC Grand Chola in Chennai and ITC Grand Central in Mumbai from £1,999pp, including return flights and transfers. For more details on ITC Grand Chola, visit itchotels.in